I was not made to break...

I can't believe the day has come. I leave for Berlin in 4 hours. It feels ages ago that I hit that 'send' button and purchased my spot in the marathon. I feel like crying...a little out of fear and a little out of joy.

I was watching an interview this week and a line was said that struck me so hard..."I was not built to break." She talked about how there were days she was sure she would not make it through but that underneath all of it she knew...she knew that God did not create/build us to break. It may feel like it for hours, days, months, and years but we will never break.

It might be my theme for those last 4 miles...I know my God has gotten me this far... :)

I love this. It's been the theme in my life for the last year.

Of course saying too much can get you in trouble at times, but let's be honest- how many of us pass up the opportunity to say what we really need to say-regardless of the outcome.

I'm still learning...

Doe-a-Deerers

I can not stop giggling at this so I figured I needed to write it out. This story simply can not be forgotten.

(Have the Sound of Music in the back of your mind.)
Ella was flying with her dad to Texas and had a layover in Denver last week. My mom was able to get a pass and go see her when she got off the plane and as Ella was exiting the plane she saw some nuns. In her sweet little mind this is what transpired:

"Momo, Momo(what she calls my mom)- the doe-a-deerers- they're real. They're real in this life."

I mean really- how can one not giggle forever about this.

A Smile

For some reason today I just have a smile. Honestly there isn't a reason for it- just smiling.

Truth

The truth continues to seep out. Today my family discovered the 'real' truth- my father has stolen nearly every penny of his mother's and sisters inheritance money.

Can life get much worse? I'm so scared right now.

I would like to title this post "The Coward Strikes Again" but I will refrain.

My dad drew up divorce papers from the internet, signed them, filed them in the courts, and had my mom served today. There is half of me that busts out laughing. Really? I mean...really? Internet papers? Gosh how nice of you.

I long for my mom to be free of him. I long for my mom to come alive again and know how very much she is loved despite every action that comes from this man.

Someone I didn't know asked me the other day about my family:

"Where does your family live?"
"My mom and brother live in different cities in CO."
"My sister and niece live in WA."
"Where is your dad?"
"I don't have one."

Sad. Even more sad that it didn't hurt my heart at all to say that I didn't have one. I don't know if it is easier to tell myself that I don't have a father or to acknowledge that I am estranged from him. As I move through this process I pray my heart will soften enough- at least to acknowledge that I do still have a biological father.

I look back over the last year and wonder how in the world all of this has taken place. What a ginormous change a year makes. Please dear God- make this next year a little easier- please.

It's amazing sometimes when you let out your real thoughts and feelings and scream, yell, cry, laugh, etc- but that moment that everything is out- you find a peace that transcends all understanding.

My last post I let a little bit out- okay a lot. And now I am a little calmer, and quiet, and more at rest. As I struggle through all of this mess and the hard thoughts that cross my mind, I just know deep down- God is doing something big. And more importantly- I am loved by HIM.