Angry

I woke up the other morning so angry that I didn't know what to do. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood before my feet even touch the floor. I woke up though with this overwhelming anger at Bob. In my dreams he had somehow gotten in to my savings account and taken all that was there but my anger came from the fact that he was able to make it look like it wasn't really him that took it. Bottom line- he was able to get away with it- again. For most of the rest of the day I cried- a lot. I couldn't seem to pull myself together, to realize that it was just a dream, to know that he can't actually do that, but I couldn't. Instead tears kept coming, questions kept clouding my mind of "how did all of this happen & why am I without a father?" What's even more interesting is this bible study that I am in at church. Why? Not sure. I am so not in the mood for bible studies like I used to be. In fact I have fought every inclination to drop out of it. But a group of us was talking about faith and I was sitting really quietly- not talking. I actually was fighting back a wave of tears. And it got noticed. So I opened up (didn't cry too much) but I talked about my faith for the first 30 or so years of my life and then what it looks like now. I don't even know that I know...but I do know this...as angry as I get...I still haven't wanted to walk away. I think I have every right to walk away from God. Going through all of this loss has been traumatic to say the least. But something inside keeps me sitting where I am sitting.

After the bible study I did something I have been wanting to do for ages. I went back in to the sanctuary of my church and sat alone. It was quiet and serene. My church is so old with these incredible stain glass windows and wooden pews. There is just something about the place that is so spiritual. I cried, yelled, prayed and then just sat. I sat on the stairs of the alter and just stayed silent. I wasn't expecting anything divine but just sitting there alone was enough in itself. I know God understands why I am so angry...and while there aren't any answers...and maybe never will be...there is a peace. I was able to settle down, pull myself together, and walk back down that aisle...knowing I will be okay.

Long Drive

My little mind won't stop thinking. Maybe I need to give up on the idea that someday I won't be such a thinker. That someday things will just happen and I will let them go. That I won't beat them to death. I have an uncanny ability to spin myself in so many directions that I have no idea which way is up. Oh Mindi...

There are times though that I love being a thinker. I love that Lent began yesterday and I spent some time thinking about what it meant to me. I decided to try out a lenten bible study at church and one thing it had us ponder on yesterday was God's mercies. The word 'hope' kept coming to mind. This well spring of hope that I didn't know I had. I am not bouncing off walls with hope but I look back and see that a year and a half ago I didn't see much. I let fears control who I was. But now- now I have literally flung myself over to hope. In what...not fully sure of that...but at least now I can see it.

In my thinking mode I went for a long drive last night. I did have a destination in mind and it was a place that I can't seem to stay away from. Maybe because it brings back a memory that is so precious to me. To everyone else it may seem like the silliest thing but to me it has stayed etched in my mind for 2 years now. I was told I was loved...

I'm going to hope for that moment again...

Toe in...

Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.

He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

~david crowder band- come and listen

I know you are up to something...

In literally one week there have been two very defining moments that I can not deny. I may never fully understand their meanings or why but tears have poured down my face as I sit and ask God- "what are you doing? I know you are up to something..."

It's 1:30 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I keep thinking and thinking. I think about the text message I got last Monday morning from someone that used to be the 'heart' of my life. Then tonight I got a call from my brother. He told me he missed me...a lot. He told me how much he missed the family, how much he missed his sisters, how much he missed the events and moments that made us who we are. But he above all wanted me to know how very much he missed me- and how much he loved me. I have never thought for a minute that my brother didn't love me. I have tried as much as possible to remind myself that he is hurting just as much if not more than I am. But to hear him say those words tonight. To feel my heart beat in a way it hasn't in a long time, maybe even ever. The words were real and raw and honest and straight from the brother that I have known for 31 years. And they meant the world to me.

Just when you think you are holding your own, when you think you've pulled it together enough to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, when you come to terms with that life is just going to be this way- God up and rocks that "I am getting by" boat.

Every girl whether they admit to it or not longs to hear the words "I miss you" when their heart has been hurt. I will admit that I have wished for that but fully acknowledged that it doesn't normally happen in my life...the story book redemption. But maybe that is what all of this is about...believing that there can be redemptions. Believing that HE is up to something...