Sheesh...

Visiting my Grandmother :)



It's been a long time since I've blogged. :( So much has happened over the last few months and I just haven't taken the time to write it all out. I'm looking back wishing I did...drats. Oh well...

Highs and Lows:

- I qualified for unemployment and have been able to enjoy a summer in Chicago with not a ton of financial stress.
- I've been able to work with several small businesses and help them with their marketing and advertising campaigns as well as website integrations.
- I got to fly away to beautiful CO and spend some precious time with my family!
- I've had some great experience with interviewing and have a great feeling that this week holds some fun opportunities.
- I still struggle to navigate this path of being a girl without a father. I see how fear pops up in my life and I want to run away. I see how I make decisions based on what I have felt over the last few years...and I don't really want it that way.

Life isn't easy...it just plain isn't. I look back at times and feel like we do such a disservice to each other (especially believers) when we make life look like it will be rosy all in the name of God. There isn't written anywhere- Bible, Torah, meditations, etc. that life is going to be good all the time. Truly many of my life struggles have come from "thinking" that life is supposed to be perfect and facing things isn't what is supposed to be.  How off is that!?

Chapters unfold and sometimes they flow in to the next one and other times they just plain end. How much easier would life be if I just relaxed in to letting them unfold...and see where they go. :) I think I am doing a pretty good job at that now. It's still a work in progress though.

A book and a map

Just recently I learned of a dear friend (one that goes back to the days of junior high) who is facing much of the same thing that I have faced over the last few years. When he emailed it sent me reeling at first. I was so incredibly sad. Maybe I thought that I was the only one that ever experienced the trauma of a family falling apart. Or maybe it was a wake up call to me. One that made me realize I am not alone in the chaos of a broken family.

Much of my sadness came from the realization that there seems to be a generation of particular men that have an all out battle with pride. Maybe it is the way they were raised, society, or flat out denial but there is something out there- and it has tainted a generation of men. They won't allow anyone in, they aren't accountable, and goodness when their world falls apart they refuse to look at it- because it certainly isn't their fault. There is a verse that says "pride goes before the fall" yet sometimes I think the fall happens and pride balloons to an all time outrageous size. Sadly I would love to be the one sticking my foot out to cause the fall and hopefully watch pride roll away like a tumble weed. (The things we will dream about to have back some semblance of a father.)

I tried my best to type what words I could of encouragement. I told him if I had a map of how to navigate this I would gladly hand it over- but I don't. All I could say was I am so sorry. This too shall pass. And I can whole heartily say that smiles do come again...and they can be gigantic! :)

And then it got me thinking...I keep being encouraged to write a book...if only I could come up with a map too.

Scared me to life

How two people can manage to play hide and go seek in a one bedroom apartment- for an hour- yep- Miss Ella and I managed. I think it was one of the best games I have ever played. She likes when I hide and she finds me and somehow I found ways to hide "big time!" If I could capture a moment though I would have had a camera the moment she pulled the shower curtain back. The look of terror was on her face until it registered that "oh wait- it's only aunt Mindi" but the most precious part came quickly after. She clutched her chest and looked at me in between giggles and said "Aunt Mindi you scared me to life!" I wasn't going to correct her...

I haven't stopped thinking about Ella's quote. I haven't stopped thinking about how so many of us choose death and not life. That fear takes us to places that cripple us and we don't "live" through it. I had a week last week where everything sent me reeling. I got really scared. Scared of life, scared of myself, scared of feeling good, scared of knowing that I need to make some big changes in my life. I flat out had a melt down.

But once I gathered myself back together and with the help of some wonderful professionals...I was able to see 'life' and not 'death'. Being scared to life is a great thing...

Little did Ella know what her precious statement would mean to me. I'll play hide and seek any day with her!