I just got to talk to Ella for the first time since the middle of December!!! My heart melted when she called me from my mom's phone. She kept telling me she loved me. I think her words were "I love you love you." I didn't know a heart could love someone so much and miss someone as much as mine does. And she isn't even my own child.

Please keep this time in your prayers- there is a lot going on in Spokane and I need prayers warriors for my sister and her family.

It's Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. I have always been one of those folks that tries to figure out what I am going to give up until Easter. Last year I think it was chocolate- and what a disaster that was! :)

I've thought a lot about what this lenten season looks like for me. It wasn't until this morning that I decided what I was going to focus on for 40 days. One of my very best friends called me the other day to check on me and shared with me how she has been reading a Psalm a day. She told me that it reminded her of me at times- How David cries out for God as to where He is. I think I have felt that way a lot in the last 6 months. Where are you Lord?

So I decided that I am going to read a Psalm a day this lenten season. I know there are way more than 40 but I think this is fitting for where I am at right now. I also have felt the need to really focus my prayers on my sister. To be honest I haven't been praying for her- I've been to hurt and mad at her.

If you read this over the next few days my sister has "allowed" my mother to come visit Ella. My mom flies out in the morning and will be there for 4 days. It's hard to "believe" that God can and will continue to work in all things and I am trying to believe that He will use this time that my mom is there. Please pray that maybe my sisters heart will soften- a little. Or at least pray that my mom can wrap Ella up in her arms and love on her like crazy. I know Ella is very excited for her Momo to come. Just please pray for them.

I have teared up a lot today. I don't know if it is just where I am at or what. I am headed to church in a bit and I think it will be good. God always seems to meet me in that sanctuary- so I am hoping that I feel Him tonight. I am in need of some arms wrapped around me.

Dear restless heart, be still; don't fret and worry so;
God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;
Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God's own smile,
His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;
Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don't moan and sorrow so,
He has a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;
Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, recline upon His breast this hour,
His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;
Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still! Don't struggle to be free;
God's life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;
Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see.

I had one of those weeks that left me ragged. For the last 6 months I have had the hardest time sleeping. My little head can't seem to calm down. The "planner" in me works through everything and trys to find ways to fix stuff. Not only my family but even the little things- like a project at work. I think and think and think until I come up with all the "plans" and the next thing you know- it's 2 am and I can't fall asleep. Then I get all frustrated and cause myself more worry. It's a silly cycle- one that needs to stop. The little quote I put in today was from Streams in the Desert- it's a devotional that isn't too Christian-ese for me. It's something that has spoken to my heart since January and eerily mirrored daily the spiritual battle that has been raging around me. God works in crazy ways huh!

I was told today that I am the glue of my family and that they need me. Honestly my first gut instinct was to yell at this person and say - NO WAY! That isn't fair and that is too much pressure on me. But before losing it she reminded me of who I was in God and I settled down before I could yell. hahahah The last 6 months have brought out a woman in me that I never knew was there. I'm brutally honest (with love of course) and I don't shrink back anymore. I've come to LOVE who I am and with that comes allowing others to really know me. I have had this fear my entire life that if someone were to know the "real" me that they would not like me. That fear has gone further in to thinking that I would never get "chosen" - chosen to be a partner, and wife, and mother, and friend, and everything else. Where I got this notion- I don't know!? Maybe because I never thought I lived up to certain expectations that my family set- (unsaid of course.) Or maybe I placed it upon myself. I'm still uncovering it all- and I'm learning.

This season in my life stinks- awful! I can burst in to tears at any moment but then I also have moments where laughter bubbles up from inside me. I can smile one of the biggest smiles through all of these tears. That's when I know- God has me.

Watermark- An impression only visible when held up to the light. The Light of this world is moving and pursuing people who will align with who He is, no matter what it takes, so that He becomes visible through us to the world. As we move where He's moving, with His purpose and His heart, He takes shape in us, we come alive, and His glory is shown on the earth around us. What a treasure it is to transition, to move, to align, to grow, to recognize the ending of one glorious season and to lean into the beauty of the next.…

I've thought a lot lately about a blog. Maybe I need it to just have an outlet to write or maybe I need it so that on those days that I don't have the words to talk through things my friends and family can know what is going on- and be praying. The quote and title of my blog is something that I think about often. You know sometimes when you can't see things- you know they are there and some times when you move in just the right fashion you can see it. And sometimes even when you move and can't see it right away- you still know it is there. That's how I have felt the last 6 months. I know God is there. I know He is in the midst of everything going on around me right now. I may not see His mark quite yet but I am trusting at some point that I will. I say that I am trusting but it comes down to a minute by minute thing. One minute I trust- the next not so much but I know that is what helps me grow and come alive in Him.

I have moments where I am perfectly fine, tending to my daily routine and just being me and I suddenly lose my breath. I realize that my whole world (or what I thought was my world) has crashed- completely. My parents separated nearly 3 months ago and while it is a very good thing for all parties involved I didn't realize how much it affects you even at age 31. I'm sure I will continue to post more details but it has been one of the hardest journeys of my life. One that is far from over.

My sister and her husband have now filed for divorce. All I can think about is my precious Ella and what this will say to her. If at 31 I deal with feelings and insecurities like I do surrounding my parents separation- what does this do to you when you are almost 5? Please pray for her. Pray that Jesus will wrap her up and hold her closer then she has ever known. My heart is in pieces for Megan & Luke as well. I can't imagine the pain and confusion. I can't imagine having to face this decision in life. While I hate the decision they have made I still will chose to love both of them. They are my family and I will love them no matter what.

It's Valentines Day today and while I have always thought this day was goofy and dumb today seems okay. I know I am loved.