Is this new?

I literally had one of the best talking sessions in months with Ann yesterday. We talked and talked about what I was seeing go on in my life and how God was moving. I walked out of there so full of joy, excitement, and being really proud of the woman I am becoming in the midst of this chaos. And I am not sure how to describe it but literally- moments later- I felt so attacked! Is this how it feels when you become more aware?



My brother and I are literally at the end of the rope with one another. We both see things totally differently. I believe we have been open and honest with each other but it was really interesting when I told him I was hurt by how he treats me and his response was "No you are hurt that I support dad." Yep- you are right. I am so hurt that you stand next to someone that refuses to acknowledge the absolute disaster that he has created. Am I being too harsh? Am I being an unforgiving person? I can not find an ounce of forgiveness for Bob...at all. I try. I hope. I do everything in my head that I can to try and get there. But the hurt of him refusing to acknowledge things is what keeps me from it. I literally do not know what to do. My brother told me he chooses Bob- not me.

The old Mindi would have curled up in a ball and cried and thought "well...there you have it...one more man saying our relationship isn't worth it." But not so anymore. I am sorry you can't see truth. I am sorry you made the choice that you did.

I believe the new Mindi has figured out her worth... :)

Big Milestones...

My grandmother turned 90 today!!! Happy Birthday Nanny. I called her earlier and she actually had clarity and knew who I was. :) It was a precious 5 minutes to me. :) May your 90th year be the best year yet- I love you!

Yesterday in church was one of those days that I could not stop crying. Pastor Tim preached on conversions and how they can happen all the time. The scripture was from Acts and the story of Saul/Paul. In my tears I was desperately asking God to bring my dad back. I really miss him. I miss him so much I went home yesterday and bought several Van Morrison songs on itunes just to have them play in the background as I cleaned. It reminds me of my dad. It is too much to ask for God to bring about a conversion? Last week seemed impossible when we found out he filed a lawsuit against someone for defamation of character- to him. (I know- feel free to laugh- really hard.) Really? I mean really...

But all laughing aside I realized he is still no where to be found. He is lost, blinded, deceived, selfish, and so very far from God. Can a little girl hope for a milestone? I know I will never have the answers. I know it will never make sense. But I would give anything to wrap my arms around my dad at his next big milestone of 60 yrs. and find forgiveness. And celebrate the return of a really lost soul.

I'll be honest though...how do you hope for that?

Six Days

I am normally not a woman who loves to do some crazy NYE event. The last few years have felt so hard rolling in to the new year. Things just didn't feel right. But it's been 6 days and there has just been a different feeling. I keep trying to put my finger on it- like maybe it's relief on the way or that something good is about to happen. But the more that I have thought about it the more I think I realized something. Hope. I have been very vocal at the fact that I have literally lost all hope. That was hope that my perfect little family would somehow find a way back to each other. That was hope that people in my family would make decisions for the right reasons and not for their selfish reasons. That was hope that I could trust in a man that I thought was perfect and GODLY. Hope in literally everything...of the past.

But I think (I stress the word 'think') that this new little feeling is Hope again. No- are things going to go back? Absolutely not. Will life ever look normal? Probably not. But can I hope in the newness of what is to come? For sure. I am not sure that there is a single person out there that has said "oh 2009 was awesome for me." In fact I have heard over and over again how much people wanted to say goodbye. My year or really the last year and a half has been awful. I have longed to find some sense of relief.

So maybe this new little feeling is hope floating back up into a heart that has been really broken.

Watermark- An impression only visible when held up to the light. The Light of this world is moving and pursuing people who will align with who He is, no matter what it takes, so that He becomes visible through us to the world. As we move where He's moving, with His purpose and His heart, He takes shape in us, we come alive, and His glory is shown on the earth around us. What a treasure it is to transition, to move, to align, to grow, to recognize the ending of one glorious season and to lean into the beauty of the next...