What do you do when you find a picture of your father- the man that raised you to be who you are, the man that taught you all you know, the man you trusted more than anyone else, the man that you felt secure in, the man that you 'thought' would always be the godly man that he said he was- what do you do when you see a picture of him with another woman (clearly in a relationship with her)- that isn't your mother- yet he is still married to your mother.

Do you allow your rage to overtake you? Do you scream and yell and die in a pile? Do you suddenly realize that EVERYTHING in your world is gone? Do you hate until the hatred becomes so overwhelming? The thoughts and feelings that run through my head right now are not me. I've never wanted to beat the &*$^ out of someone so much in my life. Physically beat him until he can't see straight- I want him to hurt. I want him to suffer so badly for what he has done to our family.

Truth is though underneath all of it- I want my dad to hit bottom and look up. To open his eyes and see- see the destruction he has caused and the pain he is continuing to put everyone through- and to see how very far he has walked away from God.

I know in my heart God calls us to be a graced filled people- but how can you physically extend grace when the other person doesn't want it? And doesn't care.

What a cowardly man- and I am half of him. That is what scares me more than anything else. How do I not turn in to him when I am half of him? How do I stay accountable? How do I stay open? How do I stay healthy? How do I live as a godly woman but not labeled as a 'christian'? That label that ruins it all. HOW DO I NOT TURN IN TO HIM?

This hurt is the worst hurt I have ever experienced. There just aren't words...

Only one entry for May- ugh- not good! Maybe I wasn't supposed to write out everything that happened over the last month. It would not have been pretty- especially my heart. I've thought a lot lately about the amount of anger that I have stored up in my heart- can't be good. :( I try often to let it out- not in rage- but in a good way. To work through what I am feeling and thinking but lately it has been super hard. I think of my father and I have a physical pain in my chest. I have moments that I wonder if he will ever be a part of my life again- and will I let him? But then there are moments such as this morning that I break down fully and cry- streams and streams of tears just flowed. I miss him. I miss my dad. I miss who he used to be. Maybe that is the source of anger and tears- that I mourn the loss of my father.
So much has happened over the last month- and days for that matter- my poor little heart and head don't know what to make of things. I realized today as I was out running that I always want some sense of control- yet in this season of my life I have none. Not an ounce.

This quote sits next to my desk and it's eery how much it fits me. "It's amazing how far we'll go just to maintain some measure of control. The world spins a circle within a circle, and we grip so tight it makes our knuckles white. When all we really want to do is let go. Lose control. Fall. And see where we land. "

I think I let go- and most definitely have lost control- the fall has been beyond words so far...