Only one entry for May- ugh- not good! Maybe I wasn't supposed to write out everything that happened over the last month. It would not have been pretty- especially my heart. I've thought a lot lately about the amount of anger that I have stored up in my heart- can't be good. :( I try often to let it out- not in rage- but in a good way. To work through what I am feeling and thinking but lately it has been super hard. I think of my father and I have a physical pain in my chest. I have moments that I wonder if he will ever be a part of my life again- and will I let him? But then there are moments such as this morning that I break down fully and cry- streams and streams of tears just flowed. I miss him. I miss my dad. I miss who he used to be. Maybe that is the source of anger and tears- that I mourn the loss of my father.
So much has happened over the last month- and days for that matter- my poor little heart and head don't know what to make of things. I realized today as I was out running that I always want some sense of control- yet in this season of my life I have none. Not an ounce.

This quote sits next to my desk and it's eery how much it fits me. "It's amazing how far we'll go just to maintain some measure of control. The world spins a circle within a circle, and we grip so tight it makes our knuckles white. When all we really want to do is let go. Lose control. Fall. And see where we land. "

I think I let go- and most definitely have lost control- the fall has been beyond words so far...