What do you do when you find a picture of your father- the man that raised you to be who you are, the man that taught you all you know, the man you trusted more than anyone else, the man that you felt secure in, the man that you 'thought' would always be the godly man that he said he was- what do you do when you see a picture of him with another woman (clearly in a relationship with her)- that isn't your mother- yet he is still married to your mother.

Do you allow your rage to overtake you? Do you scream and yell and die in a pile? Do you suddenly realize that EVERYTHING in your world is gone? Do you hate until the hatred becomes so overwhelming? The thoughts and feelings that run through my head right now are not me. I've never wanted to beat the &*$^ out of someone so much in my life. Physically beat him until he can't see straight- I want him to hurt. I want him to suffer so badly for what he has done to our family.

Truth is though underneath all of it- I want my dad to hit bottom and look up. To open his eyes and see- see the destruction he has caused and the pain he is continuing to put everyone through- and to see how very far he has walked away from God.

I know in my heart God calls us to be a graced filled people- but how can you physically extend grace when the other person doesn't want it? And doesn't care.

What a cowardly man- and I am half of him. That is what scares me more than anything else. How do I not turn in to him when I am half of him? How do I stay accountable? How do I stay open? How do I stay healthy? How do I live as a godly woman but not labeled as a 'christian'? That label that ruins it all. HOW DO I NOT TURN IN TO HIM?

This hurt is the worst hurt I have ever experienced. There just aren't words...