There are moments I shake my head thinking this is all a really bad dream- that my family is like every other normal family out there. What used to be summer vacation at home, grilling salmon out back, sitting around drinking margaritas, laughing and talking, playing Texas hold'em, etc- it isn't there anymore- and never will be. Is this really happening at 32? Can your heart really hurt this much?

I wondered today if things will ever end. Will there be a moment where I will know that it is all over? That moment where you can just sit down and feel- deep down- that things will get better from that point on. I really hope so. I remember a day about 9 months ago that I had hit the very bottom. I curled up in the bottom of my shower and let the water pour over me for what felt like hours. I just let the water wash over me and I let everything go- crying until there was nothing left of me. I pulled myself up and knew at that moment that I was at the bottom- and the only place to go was up. I didn't think that feeling was ever going to come back again- something inside says I could be wrong. Rock bottom can't be that far off for what used to be my family.

Trusting God in all of this is the hardest stuff I have ever done. I know he'll forgive me for the amount of times a day that I doubt Him. How can you not when your world has been shattered? But then I think about walking away from Him and I can't even fathom it- I'd much rather curl up in His arms and wonder if He'll ever come through then walk away from what I do know. I still wonder about that watermark- will I ever get to lean in to the beauty of the next season of life?