Two years

"Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings."

In a few days it will be nearly two years ago that what I think of "my hell" began. I can look back and see where that ball began to roll and what all has taken place since then. The heartache and destruction over the past two years has at many times been unbearable. There were more moments than I can count that I just didn't want to keep going...it was just too much. It may sound eery but from the beginning of this whole ordeal my instinct has told me "two years"- not sure for what but something inside said two years. At times that thought crept up and I'd push it away. Ignore it. Let it go. But the last few weeks have been a little too strong to ignore it.

A little over a week ago I was standing in line at a Starbucks waiting patiently to get a latte and a girl behind me called her dad on her cell phone. It was an innocent conversation but it somehow got to my insides and I lost it. Literally. tears streaming down my face as I thought to myself "I don't have a dad to call." It's been nearly 18 months since I last spoke to him. I have been through a gamment of emotions with him and finally rested on mourning the loss of him and going on with my life. That was until last Tuesday. He emailed me for the first time. The email was nice- nothing bad but it was the signature that got me. He signed it "Dad"-not like he would sign it any other way but when you had finally brought yourself to a place that you were okay without your father- that he was gone for good- and then he signs it "Dad"- sent me reeling. I cried more that day than I have in over a year. It hurt my heart.

I dealt with the emotions and worked through my thoughts and came to the conclusion that everything falls in to the place it is supposed to. And that I can not control a thing. I never have been able to and never will. And what a freedom that is.

With that freedom comes a big smile. I am smiling bigger than I have in a really long time...two years to be exact. While I get nervous to feel good and it freaks me out that I feel like things are better- I can honestly say...I think this storm has begun to pass. I know when it all clears there will be a great vision to see. I know I will be able to look back and be so grateful for the trials and heartaches of the last two years. And I also know this journey...the one I thought would quite possibly kill me...was all worth it. I would not trade it for the world.

(Insert big smile here)