A Full Heart

I leave tomorrow to spend a few days with all the "girls" for Christmas. I am beyond excited to be with them and can't wait to snuggle and giggle. I am just so very thankful for my family.

There are still moments (and always will be) that I miss my entire family. I miss the men. There aren't answers to how it ended up this way but I know that there is a reason for everything. We may never know the reason or maybe someday we will. We shall see...

This past week has been glorious and at times I find myself scared of feeling so good. I am just down right giddy :) Ahh what the heck though...I am still learning to lean in to the season of happiness. :)

Merry Christmas!

Snow flakes

I walked out my front door this morning to see beautiful snow flakes swirling around my courtyard. I get so excited when winter makes its arrival. (Don't get me wrong- winter is by far not my most favorite season.) But it's arrival always makes me happy. Snow seems like it blankets over all the ugliness of winter. It brightens things up (at least at first) and that crunch...that sound underneath your shoes as you walk in it...ohhhhh I just love it. It reminds me of strapping on my ski boots and hitting the slopes. Love Love Love that noise. And more than anything love the arrival of another season.

I recently watched a video that was sent to me. I started attending a women's leadership/life coaching program and it was about our theme this month. There were several things that struck a cord with me and I don't want to forget them. One was "folks that have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging." I thought to myself about how I never had that sense growing up. That's where I believe my family got it wrong. Instead of living out this platform of grace and building in to us kids a platform of love and belonging- we lived sense-less. Maybe I shouldn't say we (my siblings may disagree) I lived it. There was no room to be imperfect. Sadly a sense of love and belonging was never there either.

As I look back at the last 2 years I see some incredible things. The biggest for me is that I have had the courage to be imperfect. Finally at age 33...
Coming to that point has given me the strongest sense of love and belonging that I have ever had in my life. About 2 weeks ago I was at dinner with my man. We were talking about things and he suddenly stopped and told me he wanted to tell me something. He looked me in the eyes and said "you've changed so much. You look at life now as though you've got this one life and you are going to make the best of it." He told me it was so attractive. I have never walked away from a conversation much less a dinner and had such a strong sense of love & belonging. I truly have never cared whether he saw a change in me- the change was for me- not him. :) But to have him speak it back in to me- and tell me he saw me- (I'm tearing up now) It was just a moment I will never ever forget.

There are no guarantees in this world...(simple to write....hard to grasp at times.) But if we have the courage to be imperfect and to love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee...be authentic...at least we can come to the end of the road and look back and not be disappointed about a thing. That's what I want...a life lived to the fullest.

A 4!

I have wanted a 4 in my number for years now and I was bound and determined to finally see one in that official posted time. Little did I know that I would earn myself three of them!

Marine Corp Marathon 2010- 4:44.10

I could not smile any bigger!

New Found Joy

Recently a sweet precious friend sent me a cook book entitled "The Pioneer Woman Cooks" Oh my heavens have I ever fallen in love with this book, blog, and woman. I love her blog and her fun spirit. I LOVE that her saying is "black heels to tractor wheels." Secretly I think underneath my fast paced city life style is a country girl dying to have her own land. Here's hoping that will someday be a reality.

For now I will live through Ree and her adventures...and cook up some amazing meals while I am at it!

The best season...

I've neglected this blog for a long time. I hate it when I realize I have missed out on writing things down and keeping an account of what goes on. Oh well...

I look back over this past summer and think "if I ever have to feel that exhausted again I don't know that I will make it!" It was a LONG summer and one that I was not particularly fond of. In fact...I hated it. Things didn't flow, work felt overwhelming, and I had no time to myself. It just wasn't fun. But it's over and the fall is my favorite time of the year...there are definitely more smiles.

Family life hasn't changed that much. Bob is still no where near realizing the ramifications and consequences of what he has done to an entire family. There is no remorse, no crack, no acknowledgment. I think sometimes about his soul and wonder what it must feel. Does he keep it locked away? Does he ignore the pains? Has he just gotten so good at living with evil that he is numb?

For weeks this summer I struggled with feeling 5. I couldn't put my finger on it but kept returning to feeling 5 and being really confused. Confusion I think has been the theme of my summer. I couldn't get things to line up. I was told by a very wise woman that 5 is when we typically have our first moments on our own. Where we put on our backpacks and head off to kindergarten. Where we exercise what we've been taught so far. And I think for me the confusion has come from that my father taught me to be a moral person. To choose right from wrong. To be nice, to love, to be compassionate. And I think I'm stuck in that moment...because I am confused...there is no 5 year old answer to what he has done. He did everything opposite of what he told me. The confusion is getting to be less and I am becoming more and more okay with my 5 year old feeling. There won't ever be that answer...and that is okay.

The changing colors of this season get me excited. I love to watch change and all that comes with it. I look back over this crazy journey and know that the changes have been good. I'm happy, I'm in love (again), and 15 days out from another marathon! (and I am going to get this one this time!) This is a good season...

Emotions

This week has been a hard one. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place and I still don't feel like I am back to solid ground. Long and the short of it I had routine x- rays done this week and a day later they called to say that they saw something in my lung and they wanted to get it off to a radiologist- and quick. Needless to say I burst in to tears thinking I can't take another hardship right now. It was a LONG 24 hours but I am okay and it is nothing to be worried about. Something that I may have to deal with later in life but for now- it is benign and nothing.

Is it selfish to ask for something really good right now? Is it selfish to ask for God to just rain down a blessing on me? Is it too much to ask that a dream would come true and that I could honestly not be able to contain my joy? I feel so selfish asking for it and to be gut wrentching honest...I don't have a lot of hope in it. But I want to ask anyway...

Two years

"Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings."

In a few days it will be nearly two years ago that what I think of "my hell" began. I can look back and see where that ball began to roll and what all has taken place since then. The heartache and destruction over the past two years has at many times been unbearable. There were more moments than I can count that I just didn't want to keep going...it was just too much. It may sound eery but from the beginning of this whole ordeal my instinct has told me "two years"- not sure for what but something inside said two years. At times that thought crept up and I'd push it away. Ignore it. Let it go. But the last few weeks have been a little too strong to ignore it.

A little over a week ago I was standing in line at a Starbucks waiting patiently to get a latte and a girl behind me called her dad on her cell phone. It was an innocent conversation but it somehow got to my insides and I lost it. Literally. tears streaming down my face as I thought to myself "I don't have a dad to call." It's been nearly 18 months since I last spoke to him. I have been through a gamment of emotions with him and finally rested on mourning the loss of him and going on with my life. That was until last Tuesday. He emailed me for the first time. The email was nice- nothing bad but it was the signature that got me. He signed it "Dad"-not like he would sign it any other way but when you had finally brought yourself to a place that you were okay without your father- that he was gone for good- and then he signs it "Dad"- sent me reeling. I cried more that day than I have in over a year. It hurt my heart.

I dealt with the emotions and worked through my thoughts and came to the conclusion that everything falls in to the place it is supposed to. And that I can not control a thing. I never have been able to and never will. And what a freedom that is.

With that freedom comes a big smile. I am smiling bigger than I have in a really long time...two years to be exact. While I get nervous to feel good and it freaks me out that I feel like things are better- I can honestly say...I think this storm has begun to pass. I know when it all clears there will be a great vision to see. I know I will be able to look back and be so grateful for the trials and heartaches of the last two years. And I also know this journey...the one I thought would quite possibly kill me...was all worth it. I would not trade it for the world.

(Insert big smile here)