I don't even know where to begin. I've been silent for nearly 7 months now. I really haven't wanted to write, to share, or really to express much. And yet everything is screaming for me to write, talk, share, and recount some things in order to move through my "stuck" place.
My dad took his own life on August 23, 2011.
I hate looking at that sentence. I hate what it says. I hate how it reads. And more than anything I hate what it means. I don't have a dad anymore. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Tomorrow is one year. One year without my dad. One year without hope that he'd wake up and come to the table. One year not really knowing what to think or do without a dad. One year of knowing what it feels like to be a survivor of suicide. One year of tears striking at moments you least expect. One year of stumbling through this life trying to make sense of what happened to mine. Man what a year...
I read a prayer the other day and it was so true and so perfect for me.
Divine Beloved,
Change me into someone who knows how to receive, who knows how to let go, and who knows how to trust.
I'm going to pray this prayer daily...maybe forever.
Yes the year has been terribly hard but I know now that life hands you all sorts of ups and downs...and you get through it one day at a time.
2 comments:
Mindy,
I think about you often, I will keep all of you in my prayers.
Tell that precious mom of yours I love her and would love to get together if she is still in Dallas.
Much love,
Marie
I just stumbled upon your blog recently and have been reading through the past few years of your life. I'm so very sorry for all you've gone through, and I pray that the road ahead is one of healing, peace, and joy. Blessings on you, Mindi.
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