Finally??

Last Thursday after a LONG year and a half of waiting there was finally a ruling in Bob's court case dealing with his company. Long and the short of it Bob ran a business that was legit but he didn't have the rights or lease on the land to actually be operating the business. It was an 85 page court document that I read over and it was actually very kind in some respects. The judge did say that Bob was not a fraud- but that he failed to have a legal agreement between the land owners and his company- thus leading to where he is now. The really hard part of this is that if Bob had just followed up on the legal side of things he would have been in the right spot.

Now things look really bad for him. The courts sided (rightfully so) with the land owners to the tune of 7 million. But that isn't the worst of it- bottom line Bob sold stock in a company that wasn't really legit. When I received the documents I was told that Bob was going to turn himself in- that there would be lawsuits and charges filed for his activity due to the ruling. In that moment I cried like I hadn't in a while. Realizing in one moment that my father- who will always be my father- would most likely be heading to jail. That isn't the part though that got me...it was the part of relief that came from that. That maybe he would hit rock bottom, stop what he was doing to all around him, wake up, and maybe come back to the truth he knows. But then an email came that said "this is just a classic case of a judge making up his own law." My heart broke...

Regardless of who thinks what- it's a court of law and that is that. Reality is dad that you made a terrible mistake years ago. You failed to follow up and in the wake of that one misstep you set a course that ultimately caused destruction for families all over. His email though showed that it isn't over...that he doesn't see what he has done, that he isn't accepting the choices that he made, that he isn't in place to recognize how he has hurt others. It's all everyone else's fault...

I miss my father...so very much. I long for a day that I can wrap my arms around him, cry, hold him, and tell him how very much I love him. And more than anything forgive him. I saw a part of me this week that was already moving toward forgiveness...I don't want to hold on to anger...I want to let it all go...no matter what the outcome is...and I will.

So much better...

I don't think I could have asked for a better trip home. Even though I didn't get to go home home it was still so comfortable getting to be near all the things that I hold dear in my heart. I spent great time with family especially my grandmother. It was so precious to get to spend time with her and hold her hand and kiss her. Even though she doesn't remember a whole lot these days I still knew she knew who I was- and that even in her distant memory- her love is still there.

We never drove by our 'home'- none of us could do it. I honestly don't know that I will ever be able to. Maybe someday...

My parents are still married- the trial didn't actually take place. Bob was able to get a 'stay' put on it. Not totally sure what that means but basically he is still holding on for every last ounce of money he can get. More like he is holding on to a pipe dream. I think one of the hardest moments of the weekend came when I saw paperwork showing my father's activity- and it began 4 months after my grandfather died. He then became so desperate that after he drained trust funds he went and drained my grandmother's savings and checking accounts. That was a moment that I began to cry- and cry hard. When I suddenly realized that my whole life was lived off of my grandmothers money. That what my grandfather had intended for his family to live out their days- my father had spent on my family. The honest truth is I grew up believing that I lived a comfortable life- with a lot of perks- and yet there wasn't an ounce of truth to it. Reality was we were poorer than poor. That is when my tears flowed uncontrollably. My life felt so fake...

I look back on a quick weekend and even though there were some really hard moments- it was worth every second of it. You begin to see in the really hard moments that life will get better...and you will grow stronger...one day at a time.

Just a few pics: Shutterfly | Shared Picture Detail

Home

You'd think that after living in Chicago for 8 years that you could easily call it home...and I do. I feel at home- safe, loved, cherished, appreciated, and all the comforts of knowing I am in the place I am supposed to be. But when I say the word 'home' my heart automatically goes to where I grew up and I am getting on a plane in 2 days to head there. I am really nervous...

I haven't been home since last August when my mom and I packed up 17 years of my families life. I spent 2 days watching strangers buy off pieces of memories just so we could move out. I remember moments of suddenly becoming so overwhelmed that I just sat down and cried. And other moments where people surrounded us and took such amazing care of us as we packed up our lives. I haven't been home since then. And to be honest I am nervous that I am going to cry...a lot. How do I go home and not drive to Abbey Road? How do I go to support my mom and not really just want to curl up and cry? How do I remain strong in the midst of what still feels like such a nightmare?

An old seaman once said, "In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." This fierce storm is taking a toll on me. I truly am tired and long for a day when there might be a break in the clouds. But in the event that this storm continues- I pray I am in the right position to weather it.

My White Sox

I was never a baseball girl. I never was taught the game, what the rules were, what the strategies were, the importance of having a good rotation, and all the fun that comes along with being a fan. Unbeknownst to me before I knew it I was a Sox fan. Not just a fan- but a crazy one. The thrill is addicting and I love my White Sox. It's actually really fun to cheer for the Sox and be one in a million on the northside. ;)

I got to stand feet from a pitcher this past week in a spring training game. His pitches were beyond words. The speed is something that blows your mind away. That the human body can do something so unnatural and at that speed- incredible. It was such a neat weekend for me. To soak up sun, enjoy friends, laugh, and feed the little addiction that I have for my White Sox.

I also realized upon coming home that there are so many parts of me that are more alive than I thought. That there are things I do that are all me and have nothing to do with the past and my father. My love for baseball began through a precious other person and has no connection to my father. I can stand and look at myself and smile. I can smile knowing that I am finally free.

I love this quote: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." I lived so much of my life fearing the strike out. I wasn't even wanting to step up to the plate. I didn't want to get hurt. Oh but risking it all now, stepping up and trying to swing- it's so freeing. It's so fun. And the best part- I don't care if I strike out. I'd rather try than miss out on the game.

Be where you are...

The last few days I haven't felt like myself. Normally I feel pretty healthy and have energy but the last few days I haven't had that pep. I've worried something was maybe wrong but then as I really thought more about it I realized it's just where I am. The last few weeks have been really rough on my heart and I think it's just caught up with me. The thing is...I need to be okay with it. I need to just sit and be...be where I am and be okay with not having it all together. Be okay with not having answers. Be okay with being confused. Be okay with feeling really alone. Be okay with being really angry with God. Be okay with not wanting to go to church. Just be...

I sat last night with some precious friends that have been my dearest friends for over 6 years now. We all met at Park and were a part of a small group together. We've walked hand in hand through a TON of stuff. And we continue to surround one another and walk this walk together. None of us have been to Park since they built the new building and we all had a desire to just see it. Talk about different...and way too much for me. I fought so hard not getting up and walking out. I wanted nothing more than to get the heck out of there and fast. But as I sat there I realized that all of the feelings and emotions that the church brought to me were tied in to my dad. I got really sad when I realized how cynical I have become. That I could walk away right now from church and God and the Bible and not really care. It reminds me so much of what I thought I knew...yet I don't really. How do I hang on? How do I just be in all of these moments that I want nothing to do with faith? I know my faith is a choice that I alone made. But when my heart hurts like it does- I question everything.

In my first born type A personality I am going to try to just be...and hope a little in something mending this heart.

The Aisle

Days like today make me think there is no way possible that I want to get married. I listen to my mom's hurt and pain, her cries, her worry, her heart...and I think to myself "I don't ever want to go through this." She never believed that someone she made a lifetime commitment to would harm her the way that he has. She never believed that a man who made his vocation as a preacher would betray her like he has. She never believed that a man who said over and over again "Divorce is never an option in this household" would actually have an affair and be the one to file for divorce. She thought she was safe...

I know my hearts desire has been to live life with a husband and partner. One that I could laugh with, be adventurous with, ride bikes with, travel with, curl up and take naps with, cook with, cry with, face life with. All the things you dream about as a young girl...I have dreamt about. But my heart struggles through all of this now with wondering "is this really worth it?" The pain that can come from making such a huge decision. I haven't decided...

I can however realize that there are more obligations and responsibilities than I once thought. That walking down the aisle does not guarantee anything. I can guarantee though that there will be hard times. I can guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want out. Life doesn't change that day...it does in a way...but in other ways there is more to it...a lot more. That more consists of work, hard work. Work that you can't quit if you want to see this through. Even saying 'work' though- it doesn't encompass it all. Truth and honesty...you have to be willing to live in it. Crap and all. Because the second you close yourself off...you quit.

I do know I am not a quitter. Puffingly I can say...crossing the finish line of marathons shows I am far from being a quitter. And over the last 18 months truth has maybe become one of my dearest friends and well...enemy. For a long time I closed myself off from ever being fully known. I didn't trust anyone. Now I see how much that has hurt me. But looking at myself now- I feel like I am walking along this fence...balancing on that top post...and I could jump down on either side.

Today made me lean towards a life on my own...

Angry

I woke up the other morning so angry that I didn't know what to do. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood before my feet even touch the floor. I woke up though with this overwhelming anger at Bob. In my dreams he had somehow gotten in to my savings account and taken all that was there but my anger came from the fact that he was able to make it look like it wasn't really him that took it. Bottom line- he was able to get away with it- again. For most of the rest of the day I cried- a lot. I couldn't seem to pull myself together, to realize that it was just a dream, to know that he can't actually do that, but I couldn't. Instead tears kept coming, questions kept clouding my mind of "how did all of this happen & why am I without a father?" What's even more interesting is this bible study that I am in at church. Why? Not sure. I am so not in the mood for bible studies like I used to be. In fact I have fought every inclination to drop out of it. But a group of us was talking about faith and I was sitting really quietly- not talking. I actually was fighting back a wave of tears. And it got noticed. So I opened up (didn't cry too much) but I talked about my faith for the first 30 or so years of my life and then what it looks like now. I don't even know that I know...but I do know this...as angry as I get...I still haven't wanted to walk away. I think I have every right to walk away from God. Going through all of this loss has been traumatic to say the least. But something inside keeps me sitting where I am sitting.

After the bible study I did something I have been wanting to do for ages. I went back in to the sanctuary of my church and sat alone. It was quiet and serene. My church is so old with these incredible stain glass windows and wooden pews. There is just something about the place that is so spiritual. I cried, yelled, prayed and then just sat. I sat on the stairs of the alter and just stayed silent. I wasn't expecting anything divine but just sitting there alone was enough in itself. I know God understands why I am so angry...and while there aren't any answers...and maybe never will be...there is a peace. I was able to settle down, pull myself together, and walk back down that aisle...knowing I will be okay.