A book and a map

Just recently I learned of a dear friend (one that goes back to the days of junior high) who is facing much of the same thing that I have faced over the last few years. When he emailed it sent me reeling at first. I was so incredibly sad. Maybe I thought that I was the only one that ever experienced the trauma of a family falling apart. Or maybe it was a wake up call to me. One that made me realize I am not alone in the chaos of a broken family.

Much of my sadness came from the realization that there seems to be a generation of particular men that have an all out battle with pride. Maybe it is the way they were raised, society, or flat out denial but there is something out there- and it has tainted a generation of men. They won't allow anyone in, they aren't accountable, and goodness when their world falls apart they refuse to look at it- because it certainly isn't their fault. There is a verse that says "pride goes before the fall" yet sometimes I think the fall happens and pride balloons to an all time outrageous size. Sadly I would love to be the one sticking my foot out to cause the fall and hopefully watch pride roll away like a tumble weed. (The things we will dream about to have back some semblance of a father.)

I tried my best to type what words I could of encouragement. I told him if I had a map of how to navigate this I would gladly hand it over- but I don't. All I could say was I am so sorry. This too shall pass. And I can whole heartily say that smiles do come again...and they can be gigantic! :)

And then it got me thinking...I keep being encouraged to write a book...if only I could come up with a map too.

Scared me to life

How two people can manage to play hide and go seek in a one bedroom apartment- for an hour- yep- Miss Ella and I managed. I think it was one of the best games I have ever played. She likes when I hide and she finds me and somehow I found ways to hide "big time!" If I could capture a moment though I would have had a camera the moment she pulled the shower curtain back. The look of terror was on her face until it registered that "oh wait- it's only aunt Mindi" but the most precious part came quickly after. She clutched her chest and looked at me in between giggles and said "Aunt Mindi you scared me to life!" I wasn't going to correct her...

I haven't stopped thinking about Ella's quote. I haven't stopped thinking about how so many of us choose death and not life. That fear takes us to places that cripple us and we don't "live" through it. I had a week last week where everything sent me reeling. I got really scared. Scared of life, scared of myself, scared of feeling good, scared of knowing that I need to make some big changes in my life. I flat out had a melt down.

But once I gathered myself back together and with the help of some wonderful professionals...I was able to see 'life' and not 'death'. Being scared to life is a great thing...

Little did Ella know what her precious statement would mean to me. I'll play hide and seek any day with her!

A Full Heart

I leave tomorrow to spend a few days with all the "girls" for Christmas. I am beyond excited to be with them and can't wait to snuggle and giggle. I am just so very thankful for my family.

There are still moments (and always will be) that I miss my entire family. I miss the men. There aren't answers to how it ended up this way but I know that there is a reason for everything. We may never know the reason or maybe someday we will. We shall see...

This past week has been glorious and at times I find myself scared of feeling so good. I am just down right giddy :) Ahh what the heck though...I am still learning to lean in to the season of happiness. :)

Merry Christmas!

Snow flakes

I walked out my front door this morning to see beautiful snow flakes swirling around my courtyard. I get so excited when winter makes its arrival. (Don't get me wrong- winter is by far not my most favorite season.) But it's arrival always makes me happy. Snow seems like it blankets over all the ugliness of winter. It brightens things up (at least at first) and that crunch...that sound underneath your shoes as you walk in it...ohhhhh I just love it. It reminds me of strapping on my ski boots and hitting the slopes. Love Love Love that noise. And more than anything love the arrival of another season.

I recently watched a video that was sent to me. I started attending a women's leadership/life coaching program and it was about our theme this month. There were several things that struck a cord with me and I don't want to forget them. One was "folks that have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging." I thought to myself about how I never had that sense growing up. That's where I believe my family got it wrong. Instead of living out this platform of grace and building in to us kids a platform of love and belonging- we lived sense-less. Maybe I shouldn't say we (my siblings may disagree) I lived it. There was no room to be imperfect. Sadly a sense of love and belonging was never there either.

As I look back at the last 2 years I see some incredible things. The biggest for me is that I have had the courage to be imperfect. Finally at age 33...
Coming to that point has given me the strongest sense of love and belonging that I have ever had in my life. About 2 weeks ago I was at dinner with my man. We were talking about things and he suddenly stopped and told me he wanted to tell me something. He looked me in the eyes and said "you've changed so much. You look at life now as though you've got this one life and you are going to make the best of it." He told me it was so attractive. I have never walked away from a conversation much less a dinner and had such a strong sense of love & belonging. I truly have never cared whether he saw a change in me- the change was for me- not him. :) But to have him speak it back in to me- and tell me he saw me- (I'm tearing up now) It was just a moment I will never ever forget.

There are no guarantees in this world...(simple to write....hard to grasp at times.) But if we have the courage to be imperfect and to love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee...be authentic...at least we can come to the end of the road and look back and not be disappointed about a thing. That's what I want...a life lived to the fullest.

A 4!

I have wanted a 4 in my number for years now and I was bound and determined to finally see one in that official posted time. Little did I know that I would earn myself three of them!

Marine Corp Marathon 2010- 4:44.10

I could not smile any bigger!

New Found Joy

Recently a sweet precious friend sent me a cook book entitled "The Pioneer Woman Cooks" Oh my heavens have I ever fallen in love with this book, blog, and woman. I love her blog and her fun spirit. I LOVE that her saying is "black heels to tractor wheels." Secretly I think underneath my fast paced city life style is a country girl dying to have her own land. Here's hoping that will someday be a reality.

For now I will live through Ree and her adventures...and cook up some amazing meals while I am at it!

The best season...

I've neglected this blog for a long time. I hate it when I realize I have missed out on writing things down and keeping an account of what goes on. Oh well...

I look back over this past summer and think "if I ever have to feel that exhausted again I don't know that I will make it!" It was a LONG summer and one that I was not particularly fond of. In fact...I hated it. Things didn't flow, work felt overwhelming, and I had no time to myself. It just wasn't fun. But it's over and the fall is my favorite time of the year...there are definitely more smiles.

Family life hasn't changed that much. Bob is still no where near realizing the ramifications and consequences of what he has done to an entire family. There is no remorse, no crack, no acknowledgment. I think sometimes about his soul and wonder what it must feel. Does he keep it locked away? Does he ignore the pains? Has he just gotten so good at living with evil that he is numb?

For weeks this summer I struggled with feeling 5. I couldn't put my finger on it but kept returning to feeling 5 and being really confused. Confusion I think has been the theme of my summer. I couldn't get things to line up. I was told by a very wise woman that 5 is when we typically have our first moments on our own. Where we put on our backpacks and head off to kindergarten. Where we exercise what we've been taught so far. And I think for me the confusion has come from that my father taught me to be a moral person. To choose right from wrong. To be nice, to love, to be compassionate. And I think I'm stuck in that moment...because I am confused...there is no 5 year old answer to what he has done. He did everything opposite of what he told me. The confusion is getting to be less and I am becoming more and more okay with my 5 year old feeling. There won't ever be that answer...and that is okay.

The changing colors of this season get me excited. I love to watch change and all that comes with it. I look back over this crazy journey and know that the changes have been good. I'm happy, I'm in love (again), and 15 days out from another marathon! (and I am going to get this one this time!) This is a good season...