My mom & Ella on Mother's Day. :) (They blew me a kiss from 1,000 miles away.)

I haven't written in a while- which makes me sad. I want to make sure if anything for my sake to have things written out. Mainly so that I can go back and look at what all has taken place- and the hand of God.

The last few weeks have been rough with family. Mom and Dad continue down a really bitter and bad road. I won't be surprised if divorce actually takes place. Part of me wants it. I can't believe I would admit to that- but down deep it's the truth. I haven't spoken to my father in weeks. And while I miss him- I realized I miss something I never really had- a father. I know I am supposed to love him- unconditionally at that- but how do you choose to love a person that has hurt you so much. How do you love someone even though you don't trust them? How do you love when the person continues to chose pride over God, family, and really everything else? It's something I haven't been able to figure out yet- I'm trying though.

My relationship with my sister has changed drastically though- and I could not be happier. We talk, laugh, cry, etc. together more often. We have real talks- maybe even for the first time in our lives. God has done a number on her and it's been so stinking cool to be on the sidelines watching as she moves with Him.

Why does it feel like I am the loser sometimes?

I can't believe it's been nearly a year. Time has flown. But I look back and can honestly say- "thank you Lord." If it wasn't for all of this I wouldn't know you like I feel I do. And more than anything- I wouldn't have seen the awful spot I was in and how much I was missing out on life not knowing who I was in light of you. So I wouldn't take a moment back.

That's when I know- my head and heart are getting a lot closer to fully connecting.

Last Sunday I dropped my mom off at O'Hare after a really fun weekend with her. She came and dove right in to my world. She helped me decorate my new apartment (she is so good at that!) as well as she helped me with work stuff. It was fun having her walk around the Square with me and get to meet all the people I do life with. She actually said "I can see why you love working and living here so much." That moment made me feel really good- like my mom was really proud of the choices I have made.
The last 10 days have been interesting and have had me reflecting on a lot. What really is important in life? What leaves an impression? And am I the person I want to be known for? I had an incredible evening last week celebrating one of my favorite business owners. He received a lifetime achievement award and this huge black tie event was all in honor of him. Now if you know this man you would know that he is most definitely the biggest and strongest German you will ever meet. And heaven help you if you end up on his bad side. But I watched as people spoke about his hard work ethic, his gifts and talents, and his heart. And I was honored to be among those that got to be there, to dress all fancy, and to celebrate a well done life. The greatest thing is he isn't done! (A little fun fact- I found out last week that he sang the anthem at Cominsky one year! How cool is that!)
So I have just been thinking a lot- about who I want to be known as and am I living that life. I feel pretty certain that I am. I try my very best to love beyond words and actions. I try to live a life worthy of respect. And at the very least I try my best to right my wrongs and smile as much as I can.
My family is still a mess and hurting so much. But God keeps showing glimpses- and I have got to just keep trusting.

My eyes are so puffy from crying- way too much. I'm going to admit something really hard- I told my dad today that I hated him. I lost it. Why is it that the simplest of things is the hardest thing to do. I stand and look at my parents who are both so immature and wonder why they can't figure things out. My father showed up this past weekend with separation/divorce papers to give to my mom. Then he gave her the same pat answer he always does for everything- He finds a bible verse that backs how he is feeling and uses it to say that the choice he is making is ok. He claimed that somewhere (I'm not sure where) that in the bible David had had enough with someone not trusting him and forgiving him so he ended the relationship. But that isn't even the saddest part- I have heard that my dad thought this tactic would wake my mom up and get her to realize that she needs him and that she would come back. Is this not so sad? All I can think about through my tears is how does one get here? And what on earth can I do to NEVER get to this point? I am trying so hard to believe God in all of this. To believe that He will in fact keep working.
I've never felt so alone. My biggest fear is that I will never have a family again to go home to. That I will live the rest of my life only speaking to my father on occasions and that I will grow so bitter towards both of my parents.
To top today off my sister moved out of her house and in to an apartment by herself. My heart just hurts for my sweet sister. Please pray that God would wrap her up!

PS- I do have a praise- looking back over Lent I realized that some of my prayers were answered- my sister has come around some. Not only has our relationship started to mend but we have had good talks and she has even opened the door for me to share a bible verse or two. That's all I wanted! Just to know that my sister was feeling God move.

My sister called yesterday crying. My heart broke in to pieces for the hurt and confusion I heard in her voice. She and Luke signed thier final papers yesterday and I think for one of the first times it sunk in the reality of all of it. She is scared, feels alone, thinks there is no hope, and isn't sure whether she can believe God in the midst of all of this.

I know God is moving! He is tearing apart every fiber that has held my family captive. I know I am supposed to trust Him in the midst of this but like my sister- I don't know if I have the strength to do so. But then what other choice do I have?

Please pray for her. The divorce isn't final for another 30 days. Maybe something is supposed to happen?

I woke up this morning at 5am completely shaken and nearly in tears over a really hard dream that I was having. It bothered me so much that I made myself get out of bed and go in to the den so that I wouldn't fall back asleep in to the dream.
I dreamt that my father and my niece Ella were out by a pool. Ella was maybe 2 and she all of the sudden jumped in. My dad jumped in after her but for some reason could not get to her. So for a second I stood there and then went in as well- after Ella. But the thing that scared me so much was that my thought before jumping in was "I am so mad at you I don't want to help you dad." I just wanted to rescue Ella. Maybe my anger is more than I realized. I just don't understand how a man who appeared to have so much integrity and incredible heart for God can do what he has done to his family. Maybe I hold my dad to to high of a standard. He was supposed to be the one I could always look to and trust. He wasn't supposed to get this way.
Don't get me wrong- I know it is a two way street and I have plenty of thoughts on my parents dual relationship- and I hold my mom responsible for plenty. But my dad- he was supposed to be this dad that you could always lean on and trust. And that trust isn't there any more- and it really hurts.

(My family celebrating the life of my precious grandmother. )

I have spent the last few days smiling- a lot. Yes life seems at times to hurt more than you expect. You get dealt punches you didn't see coming and you try and recover as best as you can. But losing my grandmother last week brought about so much change that you can't be sad...for long.

Years ago I was seeing a counselor and I have yet to forget two questions that she asked me. She made me draw a family tree and then asked me to look at it. Her first question was- Who are you most like on this tree? My answer- no one. There wasn't a single person on that tree that I resembled in any way-both in life and physically. She then asked me where my faith came from. Where did it flow down from? Honestly- not really anywhere. My parents are Christians and I would say my faith came from them. But there wasn't a clear flow through the family of faith. I remember walking out and thinking- "I feel really alone." Not in a completely bad way but that I, Mindi, was very different from my family. And for years I have always felt that way- until losing Mimi.

For the first time in 32 years I got a glimpse of who I am. Why I am so in to fashion and style. Why I love the color pink. Why the very word grace brings tears to my eyes. Why I giggle. Why I love to be loud at times. Why I love wine. And why I want to be remembered as a woman of strength and grace. I am more my mimi than I ever realized and it is so very sweet to know that. Her memorial service made me so very proud of who she was and so very sad that I didn't know her more deeply. You learn things you wished you had known- but it makes you realize how precious life is and how you can't let it pass you by.

God worked like a crazy man last weekend. My poor shattered and fractered family was together for the first time in 7 months. We talked, cried, shared, battled, etc. with each other. There was definitely healing between siblings. My sister and I mended that broken bridge and I look forward to all the healing that is taking place.

So another 'hit' wasn't such an awful hit after all. No wonder I love pink so much. :) I love you Mimi.

There really are times I just don't know what to think. I keep thinking at some point God is going to let up. My uncle found my grandmother today and she had passed away some time yesterday. My heart just hurts.

I wish the hits would stop. :(