Tears

I cried a lot last week. Mostly uncontrollable tears...

I was telling a friend about a sweet family at church that had lost a child at birth last week and he looked at me and said "Mindi I don't know what I would do if I lost my daughter. I don't think I could go on." What an incredibly precious thing for a father to say.

I was out running later that day and suddenly had that sickening feeling- that one that you think you might throw up but you aren't real sure. The feeling came from the realization that my father...the man who used to love me...doesn't give shit about me. He lost me...and it didn't even faze him...

Keeping up...

It is a good thing (probably) that I don't post things daily. Mainly because my emotions and well...words right now are very difficult to keep reigned in. There just isn't a way to talk through what is really going on in my heart- at least I don't think there is. Just when I think I know what I need to express and work out- it changes.

In the last week things have gotten really nasty between my dad (hence forth he will be referred to as Bob- not my father) and my mom. Even though they are still married he has gone off with the woman he began having an affair with and my mom found out about it. He spent the weekend in Telluride with Dianne. I am sure spending hoards of money that he still thinks he has. He STOLE MILLIONS from people. Friends, family members, investors, etc and my family is left reeling in the wings while he is out starting a new life. He had the audacity to email my mother and ask her if he and his new woman could talk to my mom on the phone and help my mom find some peace in her life. Really? Gosh you are so f'ing kind Bob.

The hardest part for me in all of this is keeping my heart from getting too angry. Too angry at the man that has single handily destroyed an ENTIRE family. He taught me what it was to love God with my heart, soul, and mind. He taught me Bible verses and he would stand up in front of thousands of high school aged kids and preach the Gospel. And now this? How am I supposed to still sit here? I want to walk away from everything. But I look at the alternative and I don't want that either.

I used to have a father that would look at me often and say "you are my favorite oldest daughter."

I guess when you sell your soul to the devil you fade away...

May God have mercy on your soul Bob.

The Last Month

I should have written daily in here while I was in Germany. There was so much that went on and so many things that happened- I don't want to forget them. The marathon was incredible and one trip that will never be forgotten. Three weeks have gone by already. Goodness.

On our flight home Tanya and I were talking about the lessons we learned- the unexpected ones. I know I did not expect to be treated like royalty, showered with compassion and love, waited on hand and foot, and taken care of in the manner that we were.

I arrived home with this in mind, "I have to be a better woman."

Despite the last 14 months and all that has taken place in my family's life I still know one thing- He continues to work good together despite how I see it. My goal for this marathon was to break my 5 hour mark. I haven't been able to pull that off and I was trying so hard for it this time. My thoughts were to cross that finish line, cry a little, be excited to have set a goal and finally have a 4 in my number, and more than anything- be done with marathons!

I know now that God has other plans. When I crossed that finish line at 5:01.00 instead of my heart sinking I looked up and knew- I knew he wasn't done with me. We've got more to do. :)

I was not made to break...

I can't believe the day has come. I leave for Berlin in 4 hours. It feels ages ago that I hit that 'send' button and purchased my spot in the marathon. I feel like crying...a little out of fear and a little out of joy.

I was watching an interview this week and a line was said that struck me so hard..."I was not built to break." She talked about how there were days she was sure she would not make it through but that underneath all of it she knew...she knew that God did not create/build us to break. It may feel like it for hours, days, months, and years but we will never break.

It might be my theme for those last 4 miles...I know my God has gotten me this far... :)

I love this. It's been the theme in my life for the last year.

Of course saying too much can get you in trouble at times, but let's be honest- how many of us pass up the opportunity to say what we really need to say-regardless of the outcome.

I'm still learning...

Doe-a-Deerers

I can not stop giggling at this so I figured I needed to write it out. This story simply can not be forgotten.

(Have the Sound of Music in the back of your mind.)
Ella was flying with her dad to Texas and had a layover in Denver last week. My mom was able to get a pass and go see her when she got off the plane and as Ella was exiting the plane she saw some nuns. In her sweet little mind this is what transpired:

"Momo, Momo(what she calls my mom)- the doe-a-deerers- they're real. They're real in this life."

I mean really- how can one not giggle forever about this.

A Smile

For some reason today I just have a smile. Honestly there isn't a reason for it- just smiling.