Be where you are...

The last few days I haven't felt like myself. Normally I feel pretty healthy and have energy but the last few days I haven't had that pep. I've worried something was maybe wrong but then as I really thought more about it I realized it's just where I am. The last few weeks have been really rough on my heart and I think it's just caught up with me. The thing is...I need to be okay with it. I need to just sit and be...be where I am and be okay with not having it all together. Be okay with not having answers. Be okay with being confused. Be okay with feeling really alone. Be okay with being really angry with God. Be okay with not wanting to go to church. Just be...

I sat last night with some precious friends that have been my dearest friends for over 6 years now. We all met at Park and were a part of a small group together. We've walked hand in hand through a TON of stuff. And we continue to surround one another and walk this walk together. None of us have been to Park since they built the new building and we all had a desire to just see it. Talk about different...and way too much for me. I fought so hard not getting up and walking out. I wanted nothing more than to get the heck out of there and fast. But as I sat there I realized that all of the feelings and emotions that the church brought to me were tied in to my dad. I got really sad when I realized how cynical I have become. That I could walk away right now from church and God and the Bible and not really care. It reminds me so much of what I thought I knew...yet I don't really. How do I hang on? How do I just be in all of these moments that I want nothing to do with faith? I know my faith is a choice that I alone made. But when my heart hurts like it does- I question everything.

In my first born type A personality I am going to try to just be...and hope a little in something mending this heart.

The Aisle

Days like today make me think there is no way possible that I want to get married. I listen to my mom's hurt and pain, her cries, her worry, her heart...and I think to myself "I don't ever want to go through this." She never believed that someone she made a lifetime commitment to would harm her the way that he has. She never believed that a man who made his vocation as a preacher would betray her like he has. She never believed that a man who said over and over again "Divorce is never an option in this household" would actually have an affair and be the one to file for divorce. She thought she was safe...

I know my hearts desire has been to live life with a husband and partner. One that I could laugh with, be adventurous with, ride bikes with, travel with, curl up and take naps with, cook with, cry with, face life with. All the things you dream about as a young girl...I have dreamt about. But my heart struggles through all of this now with wondering "is this really worth it?" The pain that can come from making such a huge decision. I haven't decided...

I can however realize that there are more obligations and responsibilities than I once thought. That walking down the aisle does not guarantee anything. I can guarantee though that there will be hard times. I can guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want out. Life doesn't change that day...it does in a way...but in other ways there is more to it...a lot more. That more consists of work, hard work. Work that you can't quit if you want to see this through. Even saying 'work' though- it doesn't encompass it all. Truth and honesty...you have to be willing to live in it. Crap and all. Because the second you close yourself off...you quit.

I do know I am not a quitter. Puffingly I can say...crossing the finish line of marathons shows I am far from being a quitter. And over the last 18 months truth has maybe become one of my dearest friends and well...enemy. For a long time I closed myself off from ever being fully known. I didn't trust anyone. Now I see how much that has hurt me. But looking at myself now- I feel like I am walking along this fence...balancing on that top post...and I could jump down on either side.

Today made me lean towards a life on my own...

Angry

I woke up the other morning so angry that I didn't know what to do. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood before my feet even touch the floor. I woke up though with this overwhelming anger at Bob. In my dreams he had somehow gotten in to my savings account and taken all that was there but my anger came from the fact that he was able to make it look like it wasn't really him that took it. Bottom line- he was able to get away with it- again. For most of the rest of the day I cried- a lot. I couldn't seem to pull myself together, to realize that it was just a dream, to know that he can't actually do that, but I couldn't. Instead tears kept coming, questions kept clouding my mind of "how did all of this happen & why am I without a father?" What's even more interesting is this bible study that I am in at church. Why? Not sure. I am so not in the mood for bible studies like I used to be. In fact I have fought every inclination to drop out of it. But a group of us was talking about faith and I was sitting really quietly- not talking. I actually was fighting back a wave of tears. And it got noticed. So I opened up (didn't cry too much) but I talked about my faith for the first 30 or so years of my life and then what it looks like now. I don't even know that I know...but I do know this...as angry as I get...I still haven't wanted to walk away. I think I have every right to walk away from God. Going through all of this loss has been traumatic to say the least. But something inside keeps me sitting where I am sitting.

After the bible study I did something I have been wanting to do for ages. I went back in to the sanctuary of my church and sat alone. It was quiet and serene. My church is so old with these incredible stain glass windows and wooden pews. There is just something about the place that is so spiritual. I cried, yelled, prayed and then just sat. I sat on the stairs of the alter and just stayed silent. I wasn't expecting anything divine but just sitting there alone was enough in itself. I know God understands why I am so angry...and while there aren't any answers...and maybe never will be...there is a peace. I was able to settle down, pull myself together, and walk back down that aisle...knowing I will be okay.

Long Drive

My little mind won't stop thinking. Maybe I need to give up on the idea that someday I won't be such a thinker. That someday things will just happen and I will let them go. That I won't beat them to death. I have an uncanny ability to spin myself in so many directions that I have no idea which way is up. Oh Mindi...

There are times though that I love being a thinker. I love that Lent began yesterday and I spent some time thinking about what it meant to me. I decided to try out a lenten bible study at church and one thing it had us ponder on yesterday was God's mercies. The word 'hope' kept coming to mind. This well spring of hope that I didn't know I had. I am not bouncing off walls with hope but I look back and see that a year and a half ago I didn't see much. I let fears control who I was. But now- now I have literally flung myself over to hope. In what...not fully sure of that...but at least now I can see it.

In my thinking mode I went for a long drive last night. I did have a destination in mind and it was a place that I can't seem to stay away from. Maybe because it brings back a memory that is so precious to me. To everyone else it may seem like the silliest thing but to me it has stayed etched in my mind for 2 years now. I was told I was loved...

I'm going to hope for that moment again...

Toe in...

Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.

He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

~david crowder band- come and listen

I know you are up to something...

In literally one week there have been two very defining moments that I can not deny. I may never fully understand their meanings or why but tears have poured down my face as I sit and ask God- "what are you doing? I know you are up to something..."

It's 1:30 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I keep thinking and thinking. I think about the text message I got last Monday morning from someone that used to be the 'heart' of my life. Then tonight I got a call from my brother. He told me he missed me...a lot. He told me how much he missed the family, how much he missed his sisters, how much he missed the events and moments that made us who we are. But he above all wanted me to know how very much he missed me- and how much he loved me. I have never thought for a minute that my brother didn't love me. I have tried as much as possible to remind myself that he is hurting just as much if not more than I am. But to hear him say those words tonight. To feel my heart beat in a way it hasn't in a long time, maybe even ever. The words were real and raw and honest and straight from the brother that I have known for 31 years. And they meant the world to me.

Just when you think you are holding your own, when you think you've pulled it together enough to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, when you come to terms with that life is just going to be this way- God up and rocks that "I am getting by" boat.

Every girl whether they admit to it or not longs to hear the words "I miss you" when their heart has been hurt. I will admit that I have wished for that but fully acknowledged that it doesn't normally happen in my life...the story book redemption. But maybe that is what all of this is about...believing that there can be redemptions. Believing that HE is up to something...

Is this new?

I literally had one of the best talking sessions in months with Ann yesterday. We talked and talked about what I was seeing go on in my life and how God was moving. I walked out of there so full of joy, excitement, and being really proud of the woman I am becoming in the midst of this chaos. And I am not sure how to describe it but literally- moments later- I felt so attacked! Is this how it feels when you become more aware?



My brother and I are literally at the end of the rope with one another. We both see things totally differently. I believe we have been open and honest with each other but it was really interesting when I told him I was hurt by how he treats me and his response was "No you are hurt that I support dad." Yep- you are right. I am so hurt that you stand next to someone that refuses to acknowledge the absolute disaster that he has created. Am I being too harsh? Am I being an unforgiving person? I can not find an ounce of forgiveness for Bob...at all. I try. I hope. I do everything in my head that I can to try and get there. But the hurt of him refusing to acknowledge things is what keeps me from it. I literally do not know what to do. My brother told me he chooses Bob- not me.

The old Mindi would have curled up in a ball and cried and thought "well...there you have it...one more man saying our relationship isn't worth it." But not so anymore. I am sorry you can't see truth. I am sorry you made the choice that you did.

I believe the new Mindi has figured out her worth... :)