Two years

"Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings."

In a few days it will be nearly two years ago that what I think of "my hell" began. I can look back and see where that ball began to roll and what all has taken place since then. The heartache and destruction over the past two years has at many times been unbearable. There were more moments than I can count that I just didn't want to keep going...it was just too much. It may sound eery but from the beginning of this whole ordeal my instinct has told me "two years"- not sure for what but something inside said two years. At times that thought crept up and I'd push it away. Ignore it. Let it go. But the last few weeks have been a little too strong to ignore it.

A little over a week ago I was standing in line at a Starbucks waiting patiently to get a latte and a girl behind me called her dad on her cell phone. It was an innocent conversation but it somehow got to my insides and I lost it. Literally. tears streaming down my face as I thought to myself "I don't have a dad to call." It's been nearly 18 months since I last spoke to him. I have been through a gamment of emotions with him and finally rested on mourning the loss of him and going on with my life. That was until last Tuesday. He emailed me for the first time. The email was nice- nothing bad but it was the signature that got me. He signed it "Dad"-not like he would sign it any other way but when you had finally brought yourself to a place that you were okay without your father- that he was gone for good- and then he signs it "Dad"- sent me reeling. I cried more that day than I have in over a year. It hurt my heart.

I dealt with the emotions and worked through my thoughts and came to the conclusion that everything falls in to the place it is supposed to. And that I can not control a thing. I never have been able to and never will. And what a freedom that is.

With that freedom comes a big smile. I am smiling bigger than I have in a really long time...two years to be exact. While I get nervous to feel good and it freaks me out that I feel like things are better- I can honestly say...I think this storm has begun to pass. I know when it all clears there will be a great vision to see. I know I will be able to look back and be so grateful for the trials and heartaches of the last two years. And I also know this journey...the one I thought would quite possibly kill me...was all worth it. I would not trade it for the world.

(Insert big smile here)

Father's Day

This Father's Day felt weird. I still shake my head and wonder how all of this happened. How a father calls it quits on being a father. I just can't wrap my head around it. But in the midst of all of this...I find that okay. Maybe I will never be able to grasp it all. Maybe that is protection...from the ugly ugly truth.

While I desperately miss my father and wish I had someone to celebrate- I can still be thankful for those amazing men that are in my life. The ones that care for me much like a real father should. The ones that protect me, the ones that watch over me, and the ones that love me unconditionally. How can I not be ever so grateful!?

No is this life the way I had wanted it to be- nope. But each day I realize more and more- everything works out and falls right where it is supposed to. Hurts and pains bring some of the best smiles- in the end. :)

Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful men out there.

Smiles...

Maybe the warm weather brings a smile out in me that has been hidden for a few months. Maybe newness has brought about an even bigger smile. As I walked to work this morning I thought to myself..."despite all this craziness and flat out tough stuff...I'm still holding my own." Not in a "I don't need help from anyone" kind of way...but a "I didn't know I had this in me" way. I'm getting to know "Mindi" more and more with each passing day. Sad that it took me this long to really dig deep and figure her out but falling in love with her more and more each day.

And that brings about a smile from ear to ear...and it feels so stinking good.

Strike Out...

Ever been a part of a game that you really wanted the end result to be good? Take that back- maybe you desperately wanted the end result to be the best thing in the entire world! You fell in love with all of it- you only wanted the best for it- and you'd take your last breathe being it's biggest cheerleader.

Problem arises though when you suddenly realize that the one key player- the one you have cheered for (passionately) for years now- doesn't even have enough in them to tell you they can't step up to the plate. HOW THE HELL DO YOU EVEN KNOW IF YOU CAN HIT A HOME RUN IF YOU NEVER STEP UP AND TAKE A SWING?

I am not this kind of woman. I deserve more than this game I have been in...

I am officially a free agent...enough with this.

Finally??

Last Thursday after a LONG year and a half of waiting there was finally a ruling in Bob's court case dealing with his company. Long and the short of it Bob ran a business that was legit but he didn't have the rights or lease on the land to actually be operating the business. It was an 85 page court document that I read over and it was actually very kind in some respects. The judge did say that Bob was not a fraud- but that he failed to have a legal agreement between the land owners and his company- thus leading to where he is now. The really hard part of this is that if Bob had just followed up on the legal side of things he would have been in the right spot.

Now things look really bad for him. The courts sided (rightfully so) with the land owners to the tune of 7 million. But that isn't the worst of it- bottom line Bob sold stock in a company that wasn't really legit. When I received the documents I was told that Bob was going to turn himself in- that there would be lawsuits and charges filed for his activity due to the ruling. In that moment I cried like I hadn't in a while. Realizing in one moment that my father- who will always be my father- would most likely be heading to jail. That isn't the part though that got me...it was the part of relief that came from that. That maybe he would hit rock bottom, stop what he was doing to all around him, wake up, and maybe come back to the truth he knows. But then an email came that said "this is just a classic case of a judge making up his own law." My heart broke...

Regardless of who thinks what- it's a court of law and that is that. Reality is dad that you made a terrible mistake years ago. You failed to follow up and in the wake of that one misstep you set a course that ultimately caused destruction for families all over. His email though showed that it isn't over...that he doesn't see what he has done, that he isn't accepting the choices that he made, that he isn't in place to recognize how he has hurt others. It's all everyone else's fault...

I miss my father...so very much. I long for a day that I can wrap my arms around him, cry, hold him, and tell him how very much I love him. And more than anything forgive him. I saw a part of me this week that was already moving toward forgiveness...I don't want to hold on to anger...I want to let it all go...no matter what the outcome is...and I will.

So much better...

I don't think I could have asked for a better trip home. Even though I didn't get to go home home it was still so comfortable getting to be near all the things that I hold dear in my heart. I spent great time with family especially my grandmother. It was so precious to get to spend time with her and hold her hand and kiss her. Even though she doesn't remember a whole lot these days I still knew she knew who I was- and that even in her distant memory- her love is still there.

We never drove by our 'home'- none of us could do it. I honestly don't know that I will ever be able to. Maybe someday...

My parents are still married- the trial didn't actually take place. Bob was able to get a 'stay' put on it. Not totally sure what that means but basically he is still holding on for every last ounce of money he can get. More like he is holding on to a pipe dream. I think one of the hardest moments of the weekend came when I saw paperwork showing my father's activity- and it began 4 months after my grandfather died. He then became so desperate that after he drained trust funds he went and drained my grandmother's savings and checking accounts. That was a moment that I began to cry- and cry hard. When I suddenly realized that my whole life was lived off of my grandmothers money. That what my grandfather had intended for his family to live out their days- my father had spent on my family. The honest truth is I grew up believing that I lived a comfortable life- with a lot of perks- and yet there wasn't an ounce of truth to it. Reality was we were poorer than poor. That is when my tears flowed uncontrollably. My life felt so fake...

I look back on a quick weekend and even though there were some really hard moments- it was worth every second of it. You begin to see in the really hard moments that life will get better...and you will grow stronger...one day at a time.

Just a few pics: Shutterfly | Shared Picture Detail

Home

You'd think that after living in Chicago for 8 years that you could easily call it home...and I do. I feel at home- safe, loved, cherished, appreciated, and all the comforts of knowing I am in the place I am supposed to be. But when I say the word 'home' my heart automatically goes to where I grew up and I am getting on a plane in 2 days to head there. I am really nervous...

I haven't been home since last August when my mom and I packed up 17 years of my families life. I spent 2 days watching strangers buy off pieces of memories just so we could move out. I remember moments of suddenly becoming so overwhelmed that I just sat down and cried. And other moments where people surrounded us and took such amazing care of us as we packed up our lives. I haven't been home since then. And to be honest I am nervous that I am going to cry...a lot. How do I go home and not drive to Abbey Road? How do I go to support my mom and not really just want to curl up and cry? How do I remain strong in the midst of what still feels like such a nightmare?

An old seaman once said, "In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." This fierce storm is taking a toll on me. I truly am tired and long for a day when there might be a break in the clouds. But in the event that this storm continues- I pray I am in the right position to weather it.