I woke up this morning at 5am completely shaken and nearly in tears over a really hard dream that I was having. It bothered me so much that I made myself get out of bed and go in to the den so that I wouldn't fall back asleep in to the dream.
I dreamt that my father and my niece Ella were out by a pool. Ella was maybe 2 and she all of the sudden jumped in. My dad jumped in after her but for some reason could not get to her. So for a second I stood there and then went in as well- after Ella. But the thing that scared me so much was that my thought before jumping in was "I am so mad at you I don't want to help you dad." I just wanted to rescue Ella. Maybe my anger is more than I realized. I just don't understand how a man who appeared to have so much integrity and incredible heart for God can do what he has done to his family. Maybe I hold my dad to to high of a standard. He was supposed to be the one I could always look to and trust. He wasn't supposed to get this way.
Don't get me wrong- I know it is a two way street and I have plenty of thoughts on my parents dual relationship- and I hold my mom responsible for plenty. But my dad- he was supposed to be this dad that you could always lean on and trust. And that trust isn't there any more- and it really hurts.

(My family celebrating the life of my precious grandmother. )

I have spent the last few days smiling- a lot. Yes life seems at times to hurt more than you expect. You get dealt punches you didn't see coming and you try and recover as best as you can. But losing my grandmother last week brought about so much change that you can't be sad...for long.

Years ago I was seeing a counselor and I have yet to forget two questions that she asked me. She made me draw a family tree and then asked me to look at it. Her first question was- Who are you most like on this tree? My answer- no one. There wasn't a single person on that tree that I resembled in any way-both in life and physically. She then asked me where my faith came from. Where did it flow down from? Honestly- not really anywhere. My parents are Christians and I would say my faith came from them. But there wasn't a clear flow through the family of faith. I remember walking out and thinking- "I feel really alone." Not in a completely bad way but that I, Mindi, was very different from my family. And for years I have always felt that way- until losing Mimi.

For the first time in 32 years I got a glimpse of who I am. Why I am so in to fashion and style. Why I love the color pink. Why the very word grace brings tears to my eyes. Why I giggle. Why I love to be loud at times. Why I love wine. And why I want to be remembered as a woman of strength and grace. I am more my mimi than I ever realized and it is so very sweet to know that. Her memorial service made me so very proud of who she was and so very sad that I didn't know her more deeply. You learn things you wished you had known- but it makes you realize how precious life is and how you can't let it pass you by.

God worked like a crazy man last weekend. My poor shattered and fractered family was together for the first time in 7 months. We talked, cried, shared, battled, etc. with each other. There was definitely healing between siblings. My sister and I mended that broken bridge and I look forward to all the healing that is taking place.

So another 'hit' wasn't such an awful hit after all. No wonder I love pink so much. :) I love you Mimi.

There really are times I just don't know what to think. I keep thinking at some point God is going to let up. My uncle found my grandmother today and she had passed away some time yesterday. My heart just hurts.

I wish the hits would stop. :(

I just returned home last night from Oaxaca, Mexico. I decided this year that I couldn't do my birthday at home in Chicago. I needed to get away and not be here. This year has been more than I thought I could ever handle and somehow I knew I needed to find rest. I kept praying God would meet me in Mexico. Not that He doesn't meet us at home or church or wherever but you know those times you just need Him- you need Him to be so clear that you can't deny him. I flew down to Oaxaca to visit one of my very best friends. Jill moved there about 1 1/2 years ago and has been living and working for an orphanage there. So I knew I wasn't exactly headed to the beaches of Mexico but that was fine. What I needed most was the warmth of sunshine- that warmth that will thaw out your bones from a long IL winter. There is so much to write about my trip but I won't bore you. But I will write out that God met me- in a way that had me shaking. A way that I couldn't deny He has been with me on this entire heart wrenching, soul crushing, beyond confusing journey I have been on the last 7 months. He answered my prayer.

I just got to talk to Ella for the first time since the middle of December!!! My heart melted when she called me from my mom's phone. She kept telling me she loved me. I think her words were "I love you love you." I didn't know a heart could love someone so much and miss someone as much as mine does. And she isn't even my own child.

Please keep this time in your prayers- there is a lot going on in Spokane and I need prayers warriors for my sister and her family.

It's Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. I have always been one of those folks that tries to figure out what I am going to give up until Easter. Last year I think it was chocolate- and what a disaster that was! :)

I've thought a lot about what this lenten season looks like for me. It wasn't until this morning that I decided what I was going to focus on for 40 days. One of my very best friends called me the other day to check on me and shared with me how she has been reading a Psalm a day. She told me that it reminded her of me at times- How David cries out for God as to where He is. I think I have felt that way a lot in the last 6 months. Where are you Lord?

So I decided that I am going to read a Psalm a day this lenten season. I know there are way more than 40 but I think this is fitting for where I am at right now. I also have felt the need to really focus my prayers on my sister. To be honest I haven't been praying for her- I've been to hurt and mad at her.

If you read this over the next few days my sister has "allowed" my mother to come visit Ella. My mom flies out in the morning and will be there for 4 days. It's hard to "believe" that God can and will continue to work in all things and I am trying to believe that He will use this time that my mom is there. Please pray that maybe my sisters heart will soften- a little. Or at least pray that my mom can wrap Ella up in her arms and love on her like crazy. I know Ella is very excited for her Momo to come. Just please pray for them.

I have teared up a lot today. I don't know if it is just where I am at or what. I am headed to church in a bit and I think it will be good. God always seems to meet me in that sanctuary- so I am hoping that I feel Him tonight. I am in need of some arms wrapped around me.

Dear restless heart, be still; don't fret and worry so;
God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;
Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God's own smile,
His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;
Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don't moan and sorrow so,
He has a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;
Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, recline upon His breast this hour,
His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;
Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still! Don't struggle to be free;
God's life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;
Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see.

I had one of those weeks that left me ragged. For the last 6 months I have had the hardest time sleeping. My little head can't seem to calm down. The "planner" in me works through everything and trys to find ways to fix stuff. Not only my family but even the little things- like a project at work. I think and think and think until I come up with all the "plans" and the next thing you know- it's 2 am and I can't fall asleep. Then I get all frustrated and cause myself more worry. It's a silly cycle- one that needs to stop. The little quote I put in today was from Streams in the Desert- it's a devotional that isn't too Christian-ese for me. It's something that has spoken to my heart since January and eerily mirrored daily the spiritual battle that has been raging around me. God works in crazy ways huh!

I was told today that I am the glue of my family and that they need me. Honestly my first gut instinct was to yell at this person and say - NO WAY! That isn't fair and that is too much pressure on me. But before losing it she reminded me of who I was in God and I settled down before I could yell. hahahah The last 6 months have brought out a woman in me that I never knew was there. I'm brutally honest (with love of course) and I don't shrink back anymore. I've come to LOVE who I am and with that comes allowing others to really know me. I have had this fear my entire life that if someone were to know the "real" me that they would not like me. That fear has gone further in to thinking that I would never get "chosen" - chosen to be a partner, and wife, and mother, and friend, and everything else. Where I got this notion- I don't know!? Maybe because I never thought I lived up to certain expectations that my family set- (unsaid of course.) Or maybe I placed it upon myself. I'm still uncovering it all- and I'm learning.

This season in my life stinks- awful! I can burst in to tears at any moment but then I also have moments where laughter bubbles up from inside me. I can smile one of the biggest smiles through all of these tears. That's when I know- God has me.