Truth

The truth continues to seep out. Today my family discovered the 'real' truth- my father has stolen nearly every penny of his mother's and sisters inheritance money.

Can life get much worse? I'm so scared right now.

I would like to title this post "The Coward Strikes Again" but I will refrain.

My dad drew up divorce papers from the internet, signed them, filed them in the courts, and had my mom served today. There is half of me that busts out laughing. Really? I mean...really? Internet papers? Gosh how nice of you.

I long for my mom to be free of him. I long for my mom to come alive again and know how very much she is loved despite every action that comes from this man.

Someone I didn't know asked me the other day about my family:

"Where does your family live?"
"My mom and brother live in different cities in CO."
"My sister and niece live in WA."
"Where is your dad?"
"I don't have one."

Sad. Even more sad that it didn't hurt my heart at all to say that I didn't have one. I don't know if it is easier to tell myself that I don't have a father or to acknowledge that I am estranged from him. As I move through this process I pray my heart will soften enough- at least to acknowledge that I do still have a biological father.

I look back over the last year and wonder how in the world all of this has taken place. What a ginormous change a year makes. Please dear God- make this next year a little easier- please.

It's amazing sometimes when you let out your real thoughts and feelings and scream, yell, cry, laugh, etc- but that moment that everything is out- you find a peace that transcends all understanding.

My last post I let a little bit out- okay a lot. And now I am a little calmer, and quiet, and more at rest. As I struggle through all of this mess and the hard thoughts that cross my mind, I just know deep down- God is doing something big. And more importantly- I am loved by HIM.

Hate

It's a word I was never allowed to use growing up. We could never say we 'hated' something. I know it's a strong word and I know it brings up so many feelings and emotions with it. I don't use it very often but when I do I truly mean it.

I HATE my father. And I mean every word, syllable, connotation, infliction, etc. behind it.

I am aware that it is a problem- that I have some serious anger issues brewing inside of me. And he is most likely lucky that we are no where near each other- because he most definitley would not want to be anywhere near me. Somewhere down deep I get scared that this feeling will never subside or ever go away. That I will hate him until my last dying breathe for the failure of a man that he is.

These are the days that I can not find an ounce of grace for him- not a drop.

There are moments I shake my head thinking this is all a really bad dream- that my family is like every other normal family out there. What used to be summer vacation at home, grilling salmon out back, sitting around drinking margaritas, laughing and talking, playing Texas hold'em, etc- it isn't there anymore- and never will be. Is this really happening at 32? Can your heart really hurt this much?

I wondered today if things will ever end. Will there be a moment where I will know that it is all over? That moment where you can just sit down and feel- deep down- that things will get better from that point on. I really hope so. I remember a day about 9 months ago that I had hit the very bottom. I curled up in the bottom of my shower and let the water pour over me for what felt like hours. I just let the water wash over me and I let everything go- crying until there was nothing left of me. I pulled myself up and knew at that moment that I was at the bottom- and the only place to go was up. I didn't think that feeling was ever going to come back again- something inside says I could be wrong. Rock bottom can't be that far off for what used to be my family.

Trusting God in all of this is the hardest stuff I have ever done. I know he'll forgive me for the amount of times a day that I doubt Him. How can you not when your world has been shattered? But then I think about walking away from Him and I can't even fathom it- I'd much rather curl up in His arms and wonder if He'll ever come through then walk away from what I do know. I still wonder about that watermark- will I ever get to lean in to the beauty of the next season of life?

What do you do when you find a picture of your father- the man that raised you to be who you are, the man that taught you all you know, the man you trusted more than anyone else, the man that you felt secure in, the man that you 'thought' would always be the godly man that he said he was- what do you do when you see a picture of him with another woman (clearly in a relationship with her)- that isn't your mother- yet he is still married to your mother.

Do you allow your rage to overtake you? Do you scream and yell and die in a pile? Do you suddenly realize that EVERYTHING in your world is gone? Do you hate until the hatred becomes so overwhelming? The thoughts and feelings that run through my head right now are not me. I've never wanted to beat the &*$^ out of someone so much in my life. Physically beat him until he can't see straight- I want him to hurt. I want him to suffer so badly for what he has done to our family.

Truth is though underneath all of it- I want my dad to hit bottom and look up. To open his eyes and see- see the destruction he has caused and the pain he is continuing to put everyone through- and to see how very far he has walked away from God.

I know in my heart God calls us to be a graced filled people- but how can you physically extend grace when the other person doesn't want it? And doesn't care.

What a cowardly man- and I am half of him. That is what scares me more than anything else. How do I not turn in to him when I am half of him? How do I stay accountable? How do I stay open? How do I stay healthy? How do I live as a godly woman but not labeled as a 'christian'? That label that ruins it all. HOW DO I NOT TURN IN TO HIM?

This hurt is the worst hurt I have ever experienced. There just aren't words...

Only one entry for May- ugh- not good! Maybe I wasn't supposed to write out everything that happened over the last month. It would not have been pretty- especially my heart. I've thought a lot lately about the amount of anger that I have stored up in my heart- can't be good. :( I try often to let it out- not in rage- but in a good way. To work through what I am feeling and thinking but lately it has been super hard. I think of my father and I have a physical pain in my chest. I have moments that I wonder if he will ever be a part of my life again- and will I let him? But then there are moments such as this morning that I break down fully and cry- streams and streams of tears just flowed. I miss him. I miss my dad. I miss who he used to be. Maybe that is the source of anger and tears- that I mourn the loss of my father.
So much has happened over the last month- and days for that matter- my poor little heart and head don't know what to make of things. I realized today as I was out running that I always want some sense of control- yet in this season of my life I have none. Not an ounce.

This quote sits next to my desk and it's eery how much it fits me. "It's amazing how far we'll go just to maintain some measure of control. The world spins a circle within a circle, and we grip so tight it makes our knuckles white. When all we really want to do is let go. Lose control. Fall. And see where we land. "

I think I let go- and most definitely have lost control- the fall has been beyond words so far...