Big Milestones...

My grandmother turned 90 today!!! Happy Birthday Nanny. I called her earlier and she actually had clarity and knew who I was. :) It was a precious 5 minutes to me. :) May your 90th year be the best year yet- I love you!

Yesterday in church was one of those days that I could not stop crying. Pastor Tim preached on conversions and how they can happen all the time. The scripture was from Acts and the story of Saul/Paul. In my tears I was desperately asking God to bring my dad back. I really miss him. I miss him so much I went home yesterday and bought several Van Morrison songs on itunes just to have them play in the background as I cleaned. It reminds me of my dad. It is too much to ask for God to bring about a conversion? Last week seemed impossible when we found out he filed a lawsuit against someone for defamation of character- to him. (I know- feel free to laugh- really hard.) Really? I mean really...

But all laughing aside I realized he is still no where to be found. He is lost, blinded, deceived, selfish, and so very far from God. Can a little girl hope for a milestone? I know I will never have the answers. I know it will never make sense. But I would give anything to wrap my arms around my dad at his next big milestone of 60 yrs. and find forgiveness. And celebrate the return of a really lost soul.

I'll be honest though...how do you hope for that?

Six Days

I am normally not a woman who loves to do some crazy NYE event. The last few years have felt so hard rolling in to the new year. Things just didn't feel right. But it's been 6 days and there has just been a different feeling. I keep trying to put my finger on it- like maybe it's relief on the way or that something good is about to happen. But the more that I have thought about it the more I think I realized something. Hope. I have been very vocal at the fact that I have literally lost all hope. That was hope that my perfect little family would somehow find a way back to each other. That was hope that people in my family would make decisions for the right reasons and not for their selfish reasons. That was hope that I could trust in a man that I thought was perfect and GODLY. Hope in literally everything...of the past.

But I think (I stress the word 'think') that this new little feeling is Hope again. No- are things going to go back? Absolutely not. Will life ever look normal? Probably not. But can I hope in the newness of what is to come? For sure. I am not sure that there is a single person out there that has said "oh 2009 was awesome for me." In fact I have heard over and over again how much people wanted to say goodbye. My year or really the last year and a half has been awful. I have longed to find some sense of relief.

So maybe this new little feeling is hope floating back up into a heart that has been really broken.

Watermark- An impression only visible when held up to the light. The Light of this world is moving and pursuing people who will align with who He is, no matter what it takes, so that He becomes visible through us to the world. As we move where He's moving, with His purpose and His heart, He takes shape in us, we come alive, and His glory is shown on the earth around us. What a treasure it is to transition, to move, to align, to grow, to recognize the ending of one glorious season and to lean into the beauty of the next...

Important

I started seeing a counselor recently. I think I was finally able to get to that place where I was okay to talk. Not that I won't talk about things but I didn't want someone trying to sit there and fix me or my family. I have just wanted to find someone I could speak to, someone who would listen.

Is it okay at age 32 to be worried about "abandonment issues"? Bob just doesn't quit. He is still on a rampage of tearing every person's life apart that he comes in to contact with. How is this happening? My earliest memories of Bob were him up preaching the gospel to hundreds of high school kids. I know- we are all human. We all make huge mistakes. We all make bad decisions. We all hurt the ones we love the most. But what I can't seem to do is reconcile in my mind how a man who raised me to know God has turned in to such a destructive person. The only thing I can do is tell myself he is possessed by the devil- literally. Because if I didn't have that then it would mean that the man who is my father just up and walked away. And that all I have ever known was actually really fake. And if it was all fake- is God real?

Tears

I cried a lot last week. Mostly uncontrollable tears...

I was telling a friend about a sweet family at church that had lost a child at birth last week and he looked at me and said "Mindi I don't know what I would do if I lost my daughter. I don't think I could go on." What an incredibly precious thing for a father to say.

I was out running later that day and suddenly had that sickening feeling- that one that you think you might throw up but you aren't real sure. The feeling came from the realization that my father...the man who used to love me...doesn't give shit about me. He lost me...and it didn't even faze him...

Keeping up...

It is a good thing (probably) that I don't post things daily. Mainly because my emotions and well...words right now are very difficult to keep reigned in. There just isn't a way to talk through what is really going on in my heart- at least I don't think there is. Just when I think I know what I need to express and work out- it changes.

In the last week things have gotten really nasty between my dad (hence forth he will be referred to as Bob- not my father) and my mom. Even though they are still married he has gone off with the woman he began having an affair with and my mom found out about it. He spent the weekend in Telluride with Dianne. I am sure spending hoards of money that he still thinks he has. He STOLE MILLIONS from people. Friends, family members, investors, etc and my family is left reeling in the wings while he is out starting a new life. He had the audacity to email my mother and ask her if he and his new woman could talk to my mom on the phone and help my mom find some peace in her life. Really? Gosh you are so f'ing kind Bob.

The hardest part for me in all of this is keeping my heart from getting too angry. Too angry at the man that has single handily destroyed an ENTIRE family. He taught me what it was to love God with my heart, soul, and mind. He taught me Bible verses and he would stand up in front of thousands of high school aged kids and preach the Gospel. And now this? How am I supposed to still sit here? I want to walk away from everything. But I look at the alternative and I don't want that either.

I used to have a father that would look at me often and say "you are my favorite oldest daughter."

I guess when you sell your soul to the devil you fade away...

May God have mercy on your soul Bob.

The Last Month

I should have written daily in here while I was in Germany. There was so much that went on and so many things that happened- I don't want to forget them. The marathon was incredible and one trip that will never be forgotten. Three weeks have gone by already. Goodness.

On our flight home Tanya and I were talking about the lessons we learned- the unexpected ones. I know I did not expect to be treated like royalty, showered with compassion and love, waited on hand and foot, and taken care of in the manner that we were.

I arrived home with this in mind, "I have to be a better woman."

Despite the last 14 months and all that has taken place in my family's life I still know one thing- He continues to work good together despite how I see it. My goal for this marathon was to break my 5 hour mark. I haven't been able to pull that off and I was trying so hard for it this time. My thoughts were to cross that finish line, cry a little, be excited to have set a goal and finally have a 4 in my number, and more than anything- be done with marathons!

I know now that God has other plans. When I crossed that finish line at 5:01.00 instead of my heart sinking I looked up and knew- I knew he wasn't done with me. We've got more to do. :)

I was not made to break...

I can't believe the day has come. I leave for Berlin in 4 hours. It feels ages ago that I hit that 'send' button and purchased my spot in the marathon. I feel like crying...a little out of fear and a little out of joy.

I was watching an interview this week and a line was said that struck me so hard..."I was not built to break." She talked about how there were days she was sure she would not make it through but that underneath all of it she knew...she knew that God did not create/build us to break. It may feel like it for hours, days, months, and years but we will never break.

It might be my theme for those last 4 miles...I know my God has gotten me this far... :)