Angry

I woke up the other morning so angry that I didn't know what to do. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood before my feet even touch the floor. I woke up though with this overwhelming anger at Bob. In my dreams he had somehow gotten in to my savings account and taken all that was there but my anger came from the fact that he was able to make it look like it wasn't really him that took it. Bottom line- he was able to get away with it- again. For most of the rest of the day I cried- a lot. I couldn't seem to pull myself together, to realize that it was just a dream, to know that he can't actually do that, but I couldn't. Instead tears kept coming, questions kept clouding my mind of "how did all of this happen & why am I without a father?" What's even more interesting is this bible study that I am in at church. Why? Not sure. I am so not in the mood for bible studies like I used to be. In fact I have fought every inclination to drop out of it. But a group of us was talking about faith and I was sitting really quietly- not talking. I actually was fighting back a wave of tears. And it got noticed. So I opened up (didn't cry too much) but I talked about my faith for the first 30 or so years of my life and then what it looks like now. I don't even know that I know...but I do know this...as angry as I get...I still haven't wanted to walk away. I think I have every right to walk away from God. Going through all of this loss has been traumatic to say the least. But something inside keeps me sitting where I am sitting.

After the bible study I did something I have been wanting to do for ages. I went back in to the sanctuary of my church and sat alone. It was quiet and serene. My church is so old with these incredible stain glass windows and wooden pews. There is just something about the place that is so spiritual. I cried, yelled, prayed and then just sat. I sat on the stairs of the alter and just stayed silent. I wasn't expecting anything divine but just sitting there alone was enough in itself. I know God understands why I am so angry...and while there aren't any answers...and maybe never will be...there is a peace. I was able to settle down, pull myself together, and walk back down that aisle...knowing I will be okay.

Long Drive

My little mind won't stop thinking. Maybe I need to give up on the idea that someday I won't be such a thinker. That someday things will just happen and I will let them go. That I won't beat them to death. I have an uncanny ability to spin myself in so many directions that I have no idea which way is up. Oh Mindi...

There are times though that I love being a thinker. I love that Lent began yesterday and I spent some time thinking about what it meant to me. I decided to try out a lenten bible study at church and one thing it had us ponder on yesterday was God's mercies. The word 'hope' kept coming to mind. This well spring of hope that I didn't know I had. I am not bouncing off walls with hope but I look back and see that a year and a half ago I didn't see much. I let fears control who I was. But now- now I have literally flung myself over to hope. In what...not fully sure of that...but at least now I can see it.

In my thinking mode I went for a long drive last night. I did have a destination in mind and it was a place that I can't seem to stay away from. Maybe because it brings back a memory that is so precious to me. To everyone else it may seem like the silliest thing but to me it has stayed etched in my mind for 2 years now. I was told I was loved...

I'm going to hope for that moment again...

Toe in...

Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.

He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

~david crowder band- come and listen

I know you are up to something...

In literally one week there have been two very defining moments that I can not deny. I may never fully understand their meanings or why but tears have poured down my face as I sit and ask God- "what are you doing? I know you are up to something..."

It's 1:30 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I keep thinking and thinking. I think about the text message I got last Monday morning from someone that used to be the 'heart' of my life. Then tonight I got a call from my brother. He told me he missed me...a lot. He told me how much he missed the family, how much he missed his sisters, how much he missed the events and moments that made us who we are. But he above all wanted me to know how very much he missed me- and how much he loved me. I have never thought for a minute that my brother didn't love me. I have tried as much as possible to remind myself that he is hurting just as much if not more than I am. But to hear him say those words tonight. To feel my heart beat in a way it hasn't in a long time, maybe even ever. The words were real and raw and honest and straight from the brother that I have known for 31 years. And they meant the world to me.

Just when you think you are holding your own, when you think you've pulled it together enough to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, when you come to terms with that life is just going to be this way- God up and rocks that "I am getting by" boat.

Every girl whether they admit to it or not longs to hear the words "I miss you" when their heart has been hurt. I will admit that I have wished for that but fully acknowledged that it doesn't normally happen in my life...the story book redemption. But maybe that is what all of this is about...believing that there can be redemptions. Believing that HE is up to something...

Is this new?

I literally had one of the best talking sessions in months with Ann yesterday. We talked and talked about what I was seeing go on in my life and how God was moving. I walked out of there so full of joy, excitement, and being really proud of the woman I am becoming in the midst of this chaos. And I am not sure how to describe it but literally- moments later- I felt so attacked! Is this how it feels when you become more aware?



My brother and I are literally at the end of the rope with one another. We both see things totally differently. I believe we have been open and honest with each other but it was really interesting when I told him I was hurt by how he treats me and his response was "No you are hurt that I support dad." Yep- you are right. I am so hurt that you stand next to someone that refuses to acknowledge the absolute disaster that he has created. Am I being too harsh? Am I being an unforgiving person? I can not find an ounce of forgiveness for Bob...at all. I try. I hope. I do everything in my head that I can to try and get there. But the hurt of him refusing to acknowledge things is what keeps me from it. I literally do not know what to do. My brother told me he chooses Bob- not me.

The old Mindi would have curled up in a ball and cried and thought "well...there you have it...one more man saying our relationship isn't worth it." But not so anymore. I am sorry you can't see truth. I am sorry you made the choice that you did.

I believe the new Mindi has figured out her worth... :)

Big Milestones...

My grandmother turned 90 today!!! Happy Birthday Nanny. I called her earlier and she actually had clarity and knew who I was. :) It was a precious 5 minutes to me. :) May your 90th year be the best year yet- I love you!

Yesterday in church was one of those days that I could not stop crying. Pastor Tim preached on conversions and how they can happen all the time. The scripture was from Acts and the story of Saul/Paul. In my tears I was desperately asking God to bring my dad back. I really miss him. I miss him so much I went home yesterday and bought several Van Morrison songs on itunes just to have them play in the background as I cleaned. It reminds me of my dad. It is too much to ask for God to bring about a conversion? Last week seemed impossible when we found out he filed a lawsuit against someone for defamation of character- to him. (I know- feel free to laugh- really hard.) Really? I mean really...

But all laughing aside I realized he is still no where to be found. He is lost, blinded, deceived, selfish, and so very far from God. Can a little girl hope for a milestone? I know I will never have the answers. I know it will never make sense. But I would give anything to wrap my arms around my dad at his next big milestone of 60 yrs. and find forgiveness. And celebrate the return of a really lost soul.

I'll be honest though...how do you hope for that?

Six Days

I am normally not a woman who loves to do some crazy NYE event. The last few years have felt so hard rolling in to the new year. Things just didn't feel right. But it's been 6 days and there has just been a different feeling. I keep trying to put my finger on it- like maybe it's relief on the way or that something good is about to happen. But the more that I have thought about it the more I think I realized something. Hope. I have been very vocal at the fact that I have literally lost all hope. That was hope that my perfect little family would somehow find a way back to each other. That was hope that people in my family would make decisions for the right reasons and not for their selfish reasons. That was hope that I could trust in a man that I thought was perfect and GODLY. Hope in literally everything...of the past.

But I think (I stress the word 'think') that this new little feeling is Hope again. No- are things going to go back? Absolutely not. Will life ever look normal? Probably not. But can I hope in the newness of what is to come? For sure. I am not sure that there is a single person out there that has said "oh 2009 was awesome for me." In fact I have heard over and over again how much people wanted to say goodbye. My year or really the last year and a half has been awful. I have longed to find some sense of relief.

So maybe this new little feeling is hope floating back up into a heart that has been really broken.

Watermark- An impression only visible when held up to the light. The Light of this world is moving and pursuing people who will align with who He is, no matter what it takes, so that He becomes visible through us to the world. As we move where He's moving, with His purpose and His heart, He takes shape in us, we come alive, and His glory is shown on the earth around us. What a treasure it is to transition, to move, to align, to grow, to recognize the ending of one glorious season and to lean into the beauty of the next...