A New Year

It's a new year! I don't know why but I feel excited. I'm excited to see all that unfolds before me. I'm excited to grow and accept new challenges. I'm excited for change. Really...I'm just excited!

The last few years have been rough ones but I'm ever so thankful for those around me, that stood by me and held me up when I couldn't find strength. I'm so incredibly blessed.

I'm not one for making resolutions but I did set a few for myself this year. One big one is I'd like to write on my blog more often- not just for people to read- but for me to continue to write. Who knows...maybe I'll write a book. :)

Happy 2013!

One Year...

I don't know when I wrote this but its been sitting in the "drafts" for a while now. I never hit 'publish'. Maybe because I wasn't ready to really see it or maybe I was supposed to wait until now. 

I don't even know where to begin. I've been silent for nearly 7 months now. I really haven't wanted to write, to share, or really to express much. And yet everything is screaming for me to write, talk, share, and recount some things in order to move through my "stuck" place.

My dad took his own life on August 23, 2011.

I hate looking at that sentence. I hate what it says. I hate how it reads. And more than anything I hate what it means. I don't have a dad anymore. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Tomorrow is one year. One year without my dad. One year without hope that he'd wake up and come to the table. One year not really knowing what to think or do without a dad. One year of knowing what it feels like to be a survivor of suicide. One year of tears striking at moments you least expect. One year of stumbling through this life trying to make sense of what happened to mine. Man what a year...

I read a prayer the other day and it was so true and so perfect for me.

Divine Beloved, 
Change me into someone who knows how to receive, who knows how to let go, and who knows how to trust.

I'm going to pray this prayer daily...maybe forever.

Yes the year has been terribly hard but I know now that life hands you all sorts of ups and downs...and you get through it one day at a time.

35 Birthday Blessings

I recently met a woman whose talented eye blows my mind. She has a true gift of capturing those moments you want to never forget and even though I don’t know her well (yet) something tells me that she is going to be a part of some big moments in my life. I read her blog a lot and she posted “birthday blessings” on her birthday last month- a practice of taking the time to write out the blessings in your life -as many as your age. In a year that has literally taken my breath away more times than I would like (and I am not really talking the good way) I wanted to start the practice. I can’t think of a better way to start year 35 focusing on what is so wonderful in my life and how grateful I am that God still has me in the palm of his hand.

35) Friends. While it sounds so generic it isn’t. I am truly blessed with the most incredible friends. They are angels in disguise and I am surrounded…literally.

34) Lessons learned this year. Oh goodness have I made some not so great decisions but boy am I learning. Learning to trust in myself, trust my gut emphatically, and go…and never look back.

33) Discovering a family bond in the hardest way possible but knowing that we are in this together and will always have each others backs- no matter how hard life gets.

32) Watching my sister. She captivates me. She takes risks…big ones…and never second guesses. I am so proud of her and her accomplishments and I can’t wait to celebrate her as she walks across the stage in May for her graduate degree.

31) Being introduced to Meggie Smith. She has helped me find a way to be healthy again, to feel normal, and to know that the road to 100% takes a little longer than what I want.

30) Chicago’s food…I know…this one is funny but seriously…living in this incredible city where I can experience any food that my little heart desires.   

29) On the heels of that- Chicago. I would have never thought that nearly 11 years ago I would pack up my little car and drive- only to end up staying here for as long as I have. This city is precious to me and holds so much of who I am and who I have become. Each year I discover new places and new things…I truly am in love.

28) Getting to stand beside a brother who leaves me in awe. He is so creative and smarter than anything in this world. I can’t type out how proud I am of him and how lucky I am to get to be his big sister.

27) My pillar of strength Aaron. Oh I can’t type out anything without tearing up…this man…there just isn’t enough room to encompass him. I shake my head often in disbelief…that we really are holding hands. And I love thinking “some things are just really meant to be.”

26) Hearing “I love you so so much” every time I talk with Ella. I didn’t know I could love a little person so much. I love being her aunt.

25) The Schoof’s. Not only have they produced an incredible son but they love me so incredibly much. They are an example to me that life isn’t perfect but fighting to get to the good parts is worth every minute.

24) Unemployment. Yep that’s right…what a great blessing that was!

23) The Tiara community. What a phenomenal group of women I got to just sit with. They pushed me, they helped me see things, they encouraged me, and they stood beside me. I am forever grateful.

22) Being able to say “home” again and knowing that Denver is just a short flight away.

21) Belief. Believing in Mindi.

20) Robert Arthur McCreless. Losing my father this year was heart breaking…literally. But without him I wouldn’t be me. He was a blessing. I miss the man that raised me terribly and I know he’s watching over me.

19) Bi-monthly manicures. I started this little treat a few years ago and I love it. Me time.

18) LMC for short. It isn’t the fact that it is a church but it’s what is inside those gorgeous walls. A group of folks that just live, knowing we are all far from perfect, but we all do life together. We’re crazy and goofy and messy but there is love and the gospel…and that’s all one needs.

17) Strength.

16) Ann- for three years now she’s been my guide. She’s helped me navigate these crazy waters of a daughter who’s lost without a father. She’s helped me see God working when I didn’t want to even acknowledge His name.

15) My fleece sheets I discovered at Kohl’s this year. I stay snuggled up in bed way too long in the mornings sometimes because of these things.

14) The ability to Skype. Staying connected to family and reconnecting with friends who live too far away. Just seeing a face makes all the difference in the world.

13) Finding out that I have more determination that I thought. Determination to find my place in life…and enjoying the moments it takes to get me there.

12) The yucky stuff. Yes I said yucky…it’s all the things I don’t like. Like taking the trash out, math, and being in spots I hate. But the realization hits that I am where I am supposed to be in that moment…and it’s all a lesson.

11) Learning that second chances are sometimes the greatest things EVER.

10) Laughing until I have tears running down my face and my sides hurt.

9) My mom. Her resilience and strength is inspiring. Watching her figure life out in a whole new way is truly one of the coolest blessings. She is beyond words to me…

8) Grace.

7) Weekend naps and just taking the time to rest and build back up.

6) Prayer. Knowing that when I can’t pray, I’ve got prayers going up all over the place for me.

5) Going through so many job interviews. My goodness have I learned about being myself and selling myself on who I really am. All the while trusting I will find the right fit…even if it takes a few tries.

4) Spending vacation time with the ones that I love. I’ve been so lucky this past year to travel and be with family and friends…a lot.

3) Falling down and learning what it is to get back up.

2) Excitement for what is and what is to come.

1) LOVE. I am overwhelmingly surrounded, enveloped, and engulfed by it every day.

So that’s the list. Some hard ones but they all amount to good. What a year it has been and I am so looking ahead to the year in front…and I am smiling. Thanks Jordan for posting your blessings and helping me start a practice that helps me see what has been showered upon me.

Sheesh...

Visiting my Grandmother :)



It's been a long time since I've blogged. :( So much has happened over the last few months and I just haven't taken the time to write it all out. I'm looking back wishing I did...drats. Oh well...

Highs and Lows:

- I qualified for unemployment and have been able to enjoy a summer in Chicago with not a ton of financial stress.
- I've been able to work with several small businesses and help them with their marketing and advertising campaigns as well as website integrations.
- I got to fly away to beautiful CO and spend some precious time with my family!
- I've had some great experience with interviewing and have a great feeling that this week holds some fun opportunities.
- I still struggle to navigate this path of being a girl without a father. I see how fear pops up in my life and I want to run away. I see how I make decisions based on what I have felt over the last few years...and I don't really want it that way.

Life isn't easy...it just plain isn't. I look back at times and feel like we do such a disservice to each other (especially believers) when we make life look like it will be rosy all in the name of God. There isn't written anywhere- Bible, Torah, meditations, etc. that life is going to be good all the time. Truly many of my life struggles have come from "thinking" that life is supposed to be perfect and facing things isn't what is supposed to be.  How off is that!?

Chapters unfold and sometimes they flow in to the next one and other times they just plain end. How much easier would life be if I just relaxed in to letting them unfold...and see where they go. :) I think I am doing a pretty good job at that now. It's still a work in progress though.

A book and a map

Just recently I learned of a dear friend (one that goes back to the days of junior high) who is facing much of the same thing that I have faced over the last few years. When he emailed it sent me reeling at first. I was so incredibly sad. Maybe I thought that I was the only one that ever experienced the trauma of a family falling apart. Or maybe it was a wake up call to me. One that made me realize I am not alone in the chaos of a broken family.

Much of my sadness came from the realization that there seems to be a generation of particular men that have an all out battle with pride. Maybe it is the way they were raised, society, or flat out denial but there is something out there- and it has tainted a generation of men. They won't allow anyone in, they aren't accountable, and goodness when their world falls apart they refuse to look at it- because it certainly isn't their fault. There is a verse that says "pride goes before the fall" yet sometimes I think the fall happens and pride balloons to an all time outrageous size. Sadly I would love to be the one sticking my foot out to cause the fall and hopefully watch pride roll away like a tumble weed. (The things we will dream about to have back some semblance of a father.)

I tried my best to type what words I could of encouragement. I told him if I had a map of how to navigate this I would gladly hand it over- but I don't. All I could say was I am so sorry. This too shall pass. And I can whole heartily say that smiles do come again...and they can be gigantic! :)

And then it got me thinking...I keep being encouraged to write a book...if only I could come up with a map too.

Scared me to life

How two people can manage to play hide and go seek in a one bedroom apartment- for an hour- yep- Miss Ella and I managed. I think it was one of the best games I have ever played. She likes when I hide and she finds me and somehow I found ways to hide "big time!" If I could capture a moment though I would have had a camera the moment she pulled the shower curtain back. The look of terror was on her face until it registered that "oh wait- it's only aunt Mindi" but the most precious part came quickly after. She clutched her chest and looked at me in between giggles and said "Aunt Mindi you scared me to life!" I wasn't going to correct her...

I haven't stopped thinking about Ella's quote. I haven't stopped thinking about how so many of us choose death and not life. That fear takes us to places that cripple us and we don't "live" through it. I had a week last week where everything sent me reeling. I got really scared. Scared of life, scared of myself, scared of feeling good, scared of knowing that I need to make some big changes in my life. I flat out had a melt down.

But once I gathered myself back together and with the help of some wonderful professionals...I was able to see 'life' and not 'death'. Being scared to life is a great thing...

Little did Ella know what her precious statement would mean to me. I'll play hide and seek any day with her!

A Full Heart

I leave tomorrow to spend a few days with all the "girls" for Christmas. I am beyond excited to be with them and can't wait to snuggle and giggle. I am just so very thankful for my family.

There are still moments (and always will be) that I miss my entire family. I miss the men. There aren't answers to how it ended up this way but I know that there is a reason for everything. We may never know the reason or maybe someday we will. We shall see...

This past week has been glorious and at times I find myself scared of feeling so good. I am just down right giddy :) Ahh what the heck though...I am still learning to lean in to the season of happiness. :)

Merry Christmas!